Cliché Title

2011-09-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

I hate to make it seem like I simply use this blog as a way to vent my feelings when I have no one around, but apparently that's when I'm most inspired (motivated?) to write anything.

One of the things that has been one my mind a lot (probably too much) has been finding a job. If you go back and read any of my other posts in this blog, you'll notice that I spend a ton of time writing about boys and relationships. These used to be the things that defined me; my relationship to a boy or lack there of. But I have started to see that it's more fun to be myself, sans companion. Now, would I like a boyfriend? Heck yeah, but I feel like I don't need one to be "whole". I feel this is me slowly maturing, but we'll see haha. I have since moved the focus of my time and energy in to other areas of life, trying to figure out what "defines" me. And though I still feel that I haven't completely figured it all out, I do know that one thing I identify with is teaching.

Since I was 15, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I have had fleeting moments here and there where I thought about doing other things in life, but I never seriously considered any of them. Once I got to actually stand in front of a class, teach a lesson, help students, I was hooked! I wanted to keep doing it. But it's been so disheartening these last few months. It used to be that you couldn't find enough people willing to become teachers. People were getting emergency credentials and jobs, fresh out of college without any experience in a classroom. Now I have a year of student teaching/subbing under my belt and I can't even get an interview.

Not to get all philosophical, but is this a sign? I have had so many people tell me I should look into other fields. Is this God/the Universe's way of saying "hey, just kidding, this isn't for you"?

The 2 biggest nay-sayers have been Jen and my grandfather. Jen and I don't always see eye-to-eye on things, but because of the guard at Cal we see each other a lot. And when someone you see basically everyday tells you that you shouldn't do something you're passionate about, it's hard to shake it off. My grandfather is a little bit different scenario. I may not see him everyday, but he is family, and has been supportive in many other instances. My dad says he's from a different generation and that I shouldn't take what he says to heart, but when he says things like "you're a pretty girl, you should get into sales or something!" and he means it with the utmost sincerity, it hurts. He got me to tears talking about giving up teaching guard (which I can kind of get) and eventually telling me I shouldn't be a teacher. He has since brought it up again, in front of many people, and adding the loving caveat "now, don't ya start crying..." before preceding to tell me I've wasted the last 2 years. At least that time didn't result in tears, and I simply kept my mouth shut... I feel like those 2 actions are connected.

Now, I had a point to all of this before. Old Sam, defined by boys. New Sam, defined by career/lack of career. Instead of getting frustrated/jealous of other girls with their boyfriends, or being sulky over an ex who has moved on (though that has happened recently...) I have started to have those same feelings toward friends who have the great fortune of finding work. I know a bunch of other people who are teachers. Considering I met most of them through drum corps/color guard, I think that's pretty cool. If I had to guess-timate, I would say 90% of them have found jobs for this school year. Fantastic for them! But at the same time, little jealous Sam is not so happy for them. I try to keep those feeling out of my head, but it's hard.

VERY hard.

I'm doing my darndist to stay positive. Daily I go on Edjoin (a site where teaching jobs in CA are posted) and either apply to anything new that has popped up or check the status of the 20ish applications I have out there in the ether. Only a handful have even had the kindness to write me saying, "We're sorry, but the position is filled." I would love to AT LEAST make it to an interview.

C'mon, cut me a break already...

I may write more later if I can remember, but that's all the venting for now.

30 Days of Childishness...

2011-07-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

... or one long post that we'll pretend was 30 days.

I haven't written anything in a really long time, I know. But things have been pretty uneventful, and most of the events are things that I don't particularly want to remember. So yeah.

So what is this 30 day thing? Well, I have been a secret/not-so-secret fan of Doctor Who for a little while now, and in anticipation of the show returning from it's summer hiatus, BBC's official tumblr for the show (weird, right?) is doing one of those stupid "post one thing every day" things. I've seen people do them before on myspace and facebook, and since I'm not really that girl any more, I thought I would post it here! SO here is my "30 day" count down to the return of Doctor Who! (Which everyone should watch, BTW. AWESOME show. Seriously. It is not even funny how quickly I have become obsessed with this show.) BTW, none of this will make sense if you haven't seen the show, but it may be helpful in starting to watch it :]

"30 Days" of Doctor Who
"Day" 1: Which regeneration of The Doctor would you most want to meet and why?

Hmmm. I really don't know. I love 10 & 11. It's hard to explain, especially if you don't know Who, but I consider the 10th Doctor (David Tennant) to be MY doctor. BUT I absolutely LOVE Matt Smith as the 11th Doctor, and he's probably my favorite. I think I would want want to meet the 11th Doctor, because he is the current Doctor, and I wouldn't be giving any "spoilers" away in conversation. (I would just like to point out how silly I feel doing this, but I love it at the same time.) He's funny and clever... and this moment makes me smile for many reasons :]

"Day" 2: What’s your favorite episode (and why)?

Okay, I have SO many more than one episode.

"The Girl in the Fireplace": This episode combines SciFi and history, so that's an automatic win in my book. To sum up the story, The Doctor, Rose and Mickey land on an abandoned space station, with a fireplace in it linked to the bedroom of a young french girl in the 18th Century. Now if that isn't strange, there are other "doors" throughout the station to different points in the life this one girl; Madame de Pompadour, mistress to Louis XV. The Doctor and his companions figure out that robots on the ship, who's job is to keep it running, have harvested the crew to replace parts on the station and are now after Madame de Pompadour to replace the main computer of the ship. They have no clue why the robots chose her, but the Doctor must now figure out a way to stop them. In the end he cannot stop them without becoming trapped in the 18th Century himself. He does find a convenient way to get back to his companions and the TARDIS (his time traveling blue box), and even promises to take Madame de Pompadour to any star she wants. The funny thing is, what seems like minutes to him is years for her (time travel is weird like that), and when he returns from quickly getting everything ready, Madame de Pompadour is dead, having written him a touching note which she left with Louis, knowing the Doctor would eventually return. I cannot do the episode justice. It really must be seen. So touching, I cannot watch it without crying. Oh and my favorite part, as they leave the space station, still not sure why the robots chose to go back in time to get Madame de Pompadour's brain, they pan out on the exterior of the space station to show it's name... the "Madame de Pompadour."

"Blink": Now, while the name of this episode is very much like the name of one of my favorite bands, but it is not why this episode is a must-see. "Blink" is a "Doctor lite" episode, you really only see him in 3 scenes throughout the entire episode.The premise of this one is there are these creatures known as the Weeping Angels. They look a lot like statues when you look at them, usually covering their face, like they are crying. Like this:

The thing is, they are one of the fastest, most deadly creatures in the universe. When you see them, they do not exist, hence why they look like statues. BUT is you look away, "even blink" they will kill you instantly, before you even know what happened. And when they kill you, you don't "die" right away... you are actually sent back in time to die a slow, natural death. Weird, but very scary if you think about it, being sent back in time with all of the ones you love never knowing what happened to you... So the whole episode revolves around this one girl who must defeat the angels, with the help of the Doctor through some very creepily placed clues. Totally scary and awesome. :]

UM...

"The Eleventh Hour": This is the first time we REALLY get to see the 11th Doctor in action. Fresh from his tear-jerking regeneration, and with crashing TARDIS to boot! We meet Amelia Pond, the girl who takes the Time Lord in, makes me Fish Fingers and Custard... the girl who waited for him... 12 years. Such a great introduction to the new incarnation of the Doctor. This is my favorite part of the episode, because A) the music rocks. B) The brief "History of Who" that's thrown in :]

"Silence in the Library"/"Forest of the Dead": The first time we (and the Doctor) meet River Song! She is quite possibly my favorite character, partly because she is an Archaeologist, and partly because she just kicks ass. Also this story is all about a library so big, it's an ENTIRE PLANET! C'mon, how can I not love that!? It's got the scare factor with the Vashda Nerada, meat-eating shadows, and it has the intrigue of River Song. She's someone from the Doctor's own person future, who she has known her entire life, but he is meeting her for the first time. Their time lines go in opposite directions... for the most part. They never meet in the right order. She even keeps track of when they meet in a diary, which he can never see because it is her past and his future. If you watch the show, her big "phrase" is "Spoilers," since there are so many things they cannot talk about because of the how it could effect time... so much more to it than that, but that's as best as I can do for now.

OH, and if I leave out these last two, my brother would kill me (since I'm always watching these episodes haha)

"The Pandorica Opens"/"The Big Bang 2": Basically the universe is collapsing and the Doctor must erase himself and cause a Big Bang to reboot the universe. Pretty epic episode. Like in this clip!

"A Good Man Goes to War": The entire time we meet River Song after "Silence in the Library," we (and the Doctor) have no clue who she is... it's a pretty big "spoiler." Well, we finally find out! I can't say much more because it ruins SO much of the show... but yeah, awesome.

"Day" 3: Favorite quote or one liner from Doctor Who?
Allons-y!

Bow ties/fezzes/stetsons are cool.

Would you like a Jelly Baby? (I've started watching the 4th Doctor.. :] Love it.)

Well

and of course, "Hello, Sweetie"

"Day" 4: What’s your favorite relationship on Doctor Who?

Hmmm... That's a tough one.

Of course, Rose and Ten.

kiss, david tennant, doctor, rose tyler, billie piper (clipped to polyvore.com)

Amy and Rory :D

Sarah Jane and Four

And

Eleven and River

"Day" 5: What habit of the Doctor’s makes you laugh the most?

How eccentric the current Doctor is.

"Day" 6: If you had a vortex manipulator and could tell your past self just one thing, what would it be?

Hm... I don't know. I don't think I would really want to tell myself anything. Spoilers.

"Day" 7: If you could have your memory erased of any Doctor Who episode so you could watch it again like it was brand new, which one would it be & why?

Hm... Probably the last one, so that I could be surprised by the big reveal of who River is.

"Day" 8: Draw whatever you think a Time Head would look like.

I can't draw on a blog, so this is what I found in a Google image search for "time head"

"Day" 9: Name something/someone in real life that you suspect is from Doctor Who.

Hm... I don't know haha. It's after 1:30am... I'm not really thinking well.

"Day" 10: Who is your favorite guest actor to appear in an episode of Doctor Who?

Hm, well if I knew names of British actors this would be a lot easier. I'm going to sat Georgia Moffat in "The Doctor's Daughter", just because I love that she is the real life daughter to the 5th Doctor, played the Doctor's daughter in the episode, ended up dating/marrying David Tennant (the 10th Doctor) and recently had a daughter with him (the "Doctor's" daughter). haha

"Day" 11: What actor would you love to see guest star on Doctor Who?

Hm... Michael Kane. Not really sure why, but yes. OR Sean Connery. mmmm ;]

"Day" 12: Name a Doctor Who TV crossover that you would love to see happen (other than Torchwood/Sarah Jane Adventures).

Well, True Blood would be a cool one (which the Doctor himself, Matt Smith, mentioned he would love at Comic Con)...

But just because I'm me, I would have to say Dexter... not really sure how that would work. I think the Doctor would have to be trying to stop Dexter, not really help him... but yeah, that could be cool. You know what, scratch that, I change the actor I want to see guest star to Michael C. Hall... mmm Dexter :]

"Day" 13: What is your favorite/scariest Moffatism?

The LAST thing in the trailer for the rest of the season. SUCH a little mock at the audience. You can tell it's really him (Steven Moffat, head writer/show runner) talking through the Doctor to the audience... "Haven't you figured that one out yet?" Oh Moffat, you cheeky bastard.

"Day" 14: Which Doctor Who baddies could you potentially see teaming up with The Doctor (not including the Master)?

Um... I don't know. Do these guys count?

Just too adorable.

"Day" 15: Would you perfer to have River’s sonic blaster or the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver?

I already have 2 Sonic Screwdrivers (yes, I actually bought toy replicas, don't judge.)

"Day" 16: What’s your favorite Who-related Tumblr (other than DWO)?

Um... I don't even have a Tumblr... and I don't look at many, soooo....

"Day" 17: What songs would appear in your Doctor Who mixtape?

I love the soundtrack to the show itself! Listen to it A LOT. BUT these would be on my "mixtape."

I am the Doctor (Nintendo/8bit Remix by Steve.xR1P) by stevexr1p

Doctor Who Dubstep Remix by Jonoes

"Day" 18: Mods are asleep! Anything goes!

I should be asleep too.

"Day" 19: Which Doctor Who character is most like you?

Not sure... none?

"Day" 20: What’s your favorite “guest appearance” by someone from history (i.e. Churchill, Van Gogh, etc)?

The Van Gogh episode! Yes the Madame de Pompador was a good one, but the Van Gogh one was amazing. (Also an episode that makes me cry)

Doctor Who - Vincent van Gogh from pinkrobot on Vimeo.

"Day" 21: Post your favorite Who-related photo or GIF

Not really show related but it makes me laugh.

"Day" 22: What is your favorite Who-related video on YouTube?

I've posted MOST of them already... but one more for good measure.

"Day" 23: Favorite villain [classic and new]

NEW: the Silence

OLD: Daleks! of course.

"Day" 24: What is your most memorable Rory death scene?

All of them?

"Day" 25: The TARDIS has a pool. What other weird rooms or objects do you think are in there?

A garage with a car?

"Day" 26: Which character would you most want to meet IRL and why?

Amy, because she's super bold, in-your-face, and has an attitude. I could use some of those things.

"Day" 27: What scene makes you hide behind the sofa?

idk...

"Day" 28: Name a Whoism that you use in real life

"I _____ now. _____s are cool." Example "I wear a Fez now. Fezzes are cool."

"Day" 29: Make up your own short fanfic using Doctor Who animated GIFS.

That's too much work....

"Day" 30: Why do you love Doctor Who?
"Haven't you figured that one out yet?"

& Now that my fan girl side is fulfilled, I'm going to sleep.

Dear Internet Trolls

2011-07-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today I read a post on "comedy" website about religion. Now, here we have 2 things that really should never meet.

Religion and the internet.

The basis of this post was a conversation between a student and professor about the existence of God, and at the end it was said that the student was Einstein. Now, most people in the comments were very quick to point out that this was probably NOT Einstein since he was not religious and because he was a "smart" man. But the thing that got me was the onslaught of Atheists posting about how "stupid" and "blind' those are who believe in the existence of God.

I am the first to admit I'm not a very religious person. I will even admit (not as willingly) I have questioned my faith and whether God exists. BUT I do consider myself a religious person and believe that there is some higher power in the Universe. I like to think of this power as God, but that's just me. I don't necessarily believe in all the teachings of the Bible, or of the church, but I do feel that there are good lessons taught by religion. People like the Westboro Baptist Church fascinate me because of how they follow every word in the Bible to the letter. I don't think that God hates me, or that he wants me to suffer. To me organized religion is flawed, not religion itself.

Many people who were commenting on this post were talking about how science proves faith is stupid. There were a few that said that they have faith, but it's in science and that they think that since they have proof they are right. It really didn't hit me until I started reading all of these posts just how religion-less internet trolls are.

I have nothing against Atheists. I feel everyone should have the right to believe what they want. I have super religious friends, and I have friends who laugh at religion calling it "fairy tales." I don't think there is a right or wrong point of view. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

The thing that bothers me to no end is how much people want to force what they think down other people's throats. And I kind of feel like a hypocrite simply writing this, but I'm all worked up about this and needed to vent. These internet posters (whom I like to refer to as trolls, though I'm sure someone out there would say they aren't) are all pushing their beliefs. There are over 340 comments, so I didn't read all of them, but I read a good chunk. I saw very few "bible-thumper" type posts. Most were Atheists saying how dumb the poster was to think Einstein would ever say anything in support of religion and how stupid religion is in itself. There was no one really saying anything different. There were a few here and there, but not very many in the scheme of things. I did post something, but I kind of wish I would've just kept my mouth shut. (To quote my own comment " think its funny most of the comments are from Atheists saying the same exact thing. We get it, you don't agree with religion and think the post is stupid. Get over it already, it's only 9gag.") Most people who have been commenting after me have been saying something similar (since a comedy website is no place for arguments over the existence of religion) but I'm pretty sure those who have been posting things like "STUPID FAKE STORY ABOUT EINSTEIN!!

THE LOGIC IS FLAWED!!

EINSTEIN WAS AN ATHEIST, THERE IS A LETTER THAT WAS AUCTIONED A FEW YEARS AGO THAT PRETTY MUCH PROVES THAT!!!
STUPID IDIOT CHRISTIAN!" consider me to be one of the "religious freaks" they are against.

There may be God. Or there may not be. I believe there is; it helps me to get through life. The world would be far too cold and alone without the thought of God and the afterlife. I'm really not sure how people without religion are able to make it through the day. I guess thinking that this is all there is would make you want to make that much more out of life, but it doesn't really work like that for me. And I don't really want or need someone telling me why my view is wrong or why their view is the only correct one. I don't force my views on others (through writing this I'm not trying to "convert" any one, I'm just venting, promise). People on the internet like to get up on their soap box and preach. I've been complaining mostly about Atheists in this particular post, but I get just as annoyed by Christians who push their views on others. People should be able to believe what they want. I would say that this is one of the views that this country was founded on, but as a historian I know this really isn't the case and just how we view it now in retrospect.

The point I'm trying to make is people should be more open to the views of others. Whether everything happens for a divine reason, or it's all just coincidence, it should be up to the individual to decide. I have just as much of a right to believe there is a God and take comfort in that belief, as an Atheist feels comfort knowing that science has proof of everything.

Another thing I just would like to point out, while I'm venting, is that there ARE smart Christians. And I really shouldn't limit it to Christians; there ARE smart people who believe in religion. I consider myself a smart person. I'm not saying I'm a genius, far from it, but I know a thing or two about a thing or two. As much as I think that people should be open to the views of others, I think they should RESPECT people as well. Just because I'm religious doesn't mean I think that every Atheist is an ignorant prick. They aren't an ignorant prick in my book until they close their minds to the idea that someone thinks something different than them. I deeply take offense to remarks that say people who believe in God are stupid or dumb. My father, for example, is a very religious man. I know my father is not the smartest man in the world, but I think of him as a smart man, and his view of God shouldn't have any standing on the grounds of his intelligence. In the same way, a professor who doesn't believe in God should still be seen as a man of intelligence by any religious student.

Respect.

That's my point. Respect the view of others, and hope they return it. If I knew the Bible a little better I may quote a passage that says something along those lines (since I'm guessing there's bound to be something like that in the Bible), but by doing that I would be counterproductive. I have my view, others have theirs. Respect that.

So, while I may be labeled by writing this (if any one who doesn't know me, or know me well, reads this) but I'm open to the views of others. All I'm saying is that the people in this thread on 9gag, and elsewhere, should do the same.

"Drink up with me now..."

2010-11-01T23:21:00.000-07:00

Wow... It's November. Wow...

It's already WAY too late and I have a department meeting in the morning, so I really don't want to be up all night, but I feel like I need to get some things off my mind.

Yesterday was Halloween, and the night before I went out with my friends. Now, I love my friends with all my heart, but over the last few months I feel more and more disconnected with them. I felt like this was my half-assed attempted at not being a complete loner, yet I still ALWAYS feel like a social outcast, even among my closest friends. I hardly ever talk to anyone who isn't a student/teacher, so when I do talk to or even see some drum corps friends, its a rare and exciting occasion.

And being me, I of course have to ruin it.

I think that I should've stuck to my "no drinking" policy that I had, but alas I didn't. I got way too moody, which I have found is a side effect of alcohol in me. I started moping, and that's ALWAYS the first sign. Then I got really hyper, then UBER depressed. I still think that when they told me I had depression a few years ago they got it wrong; I swear I can be SO bipolar, especially after a few drinks. I mean, I was with people I love, having fun! Why the hell did I run off to a bathroom to go cry?! Maybe it was telling my story of August 08, or maybe it was a little too much thinking about Zach, or the fact I was surrounded by 2 ex boyfriends (one I'm still a little hung up on and another I wish I could be better friends with) and being around cute couples. Probably all of the above. But all I know was that I felt I was attracting too much unnecessary attention on myself. Yet I did nothing to stop it. It's times like this I feel like "Traci". That girl NO ONE really wants there, but just shows up anyway. I know that some people really want me there, but I think most of the time I'm just a 3rd, 5th, etc. wheel to the group, just tagging along. I have said time and time again that I need more/new friends, but I always have an excuse. I'm too busy, I spend 99% of my time with high school students... blah blah blah. All just excuses. I could be more social if I really tried, but I just don't. I lack self confidence. I have the mindset "if I can barely keep the friends I have, how am I supposed to make more?" And honestly, I don't know how to function socially outside of drum corps. How does one make friends outside of the color guard world? Drum corps was the best and worst experience of my life in that way. I have some of the best friends ever thanks to it, but I really don't know how to make more friends outside of it. Add on some crippling shyness, and Violà! You have me in nutshell!

So yeah, that happened.

I'm just still whiny about it. I felt like such a debbie downer. When the boys send Annie in to see if I'm ok, I know that I've been too much of a drama queen. I almost feel like I should've stayed home. Too late now. I try too hard or not hard enough. I fail at social skills majorly.

It's kind of like this blog. I'm not going to lie, this is a bullshit, half-assed attempt at attention. Does anyone read this? Doubtful. Oh well...

Teaching is weird. Some times I'm like, ON! I had a kid tell me the other day she'll miss me when I leave and she gave me a hug... I think she was trying to suck up, but it worked haha. Then there's days like today, where if I don't do things EXACTLY like the regular teacher, I don't hear the end of it. I sometimes wish I could just yell, but I can't, obviously. This is my version of anger management, since I have one of the worst tempers I know haha. I have already learned SO much patience, but I still have so much more I need. I sometimes forget that History is second nature to me now, and that this shit doesn't come as easy to everyone. I have learned the hard way to make sure I REALLY think before I speak. I have offended several kids already with comments that were meant constructively or with the best intentions, but fell VERY short of their mark.

It's been an experience, that's for sure.

Ok, it's late, and I feel more and more like a loser as I type.

<3

2010-09-06T00:03:00.001-07:00

Sorry, one more bitch for the evening... I feel like my ex boyfriend stole my best friend. Not cool dude, not cool. he sees/hangs out with her more than me.

2010-09-05T23:26:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of all my complaining, yet I keep doing it. I feel like I can do nothing right. I am always the bad guy in a situation where there is no bad guy. I want one thing and apparently I can't even have that. I feel really distant from the "world" since most people are already in school or have these things called lives/significant others. I firmly believe at least 50% of my moodiness is due to my over abundance of hormones right now, My only friend at the moment is my 17 year old brother. I know I'm kind of distancing people on my own, but still I'm just so freaking lonely right now. I need to get over myself. UGH! I was so tired around 9:30 but decided to stay up... now I'm not even sleepy anymore... My shoulder hurts to the point of causing me tears right now... Okay, I think my bitch-fest is over. I had to get that out my system. Tomorrow: Choreographing! I think I finished Pioneer's opener in my head on the way home from Santa Barbara. Hope I remember it/it's even possible.

Bitch-less Broadcasting

2010-09-02T23:02:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been complaining entirely too much in recent blogs, so this is my bitch-less post.

I almost, kinda, sorta, maybe know where I'll be student teaching! I started bugging the counselor, saying I need to know so I could make accommodations with the teams I coach, and also mentioned how the teachers/administrators at those schools would love to have me there, and I found out a request was made for me to be at Cal High, but Cal Poly hasn't heard back from the district/school. I told the band director at Cal and he right away made a call to one of the assistant principals to ask who deals with this stuff and explained my sich. Hopefully that helps speed up the process... in a good way :]

I'm excited for Cal this year. They are realistically behind what the band director wants drill-wise and with retention, but the talent level in the guard is very high. I think winter guard will be amazing. There is of course those girls you need to hold their hand as they do drill so they go to the correct dots, but I think even they are above the previous project children. I'm hoping for good things.

Pioneer is surprising me. I feel like I've already helped them become so much better. BUT tomorrow is the first time I will see them in over a week, so let's see what can be retained. I'm getting REALLY frustrated choreographing because their opener is SO long and repetitive. There is only so much that can be done with that music... at least that's realistic. I'm thinking tomorrow will be A LOT of cleaning and review. I forced myself to really work on choreo a few days ago, took the MacBook outside and watched clips of past Cal and PC shows for ideas, recorded myself to see what I liked and didn't. All that came of that is maybe 16 counts and another 12ish toward the end. Its really frustrating because I don't know drill or anything, so trying to teach a ripple or A/B work is pretty pointless. Hopefully before the next rehearsal with them (Wednesday) I can come up with something more substantial. (Actually, after watching the numerous videos I made, I think I may be able to piece together another minute's worth :D).

I have more to not bitch about, like getting my own room and buying a new TV, but I think it'll have to wait until next time. I need sleep, I've had a migraine on and off for almost a week now :/

<3

2010-08-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

This is my place to take out my frustration, vent, and be just a little bit selfish.

I just want to start off by saying that I'm VERY happy for my sister. I really am. But this is I think why I am so frustrated.

I have done everything right. At least that's what my family and neighbors keep telling me. I spend my money, but I know when to save it. I finished my BA early, I'm already started on my career goals. I also understand the money situation going on with my family right now. Instead of enjoying my first free summer in years, I took on a full-time job that I really did not care for. I have held a job since my freshman year of college, and currently I have 2 guard jobs and 2 part-time (doing what I did all summer and special ED subbing). I am more realistic and understanding. And a little less high maintenance.

So someone explain to me why her life is going so right right now? I want my sister to be happy, but how does she have no money, never had job, and she has a fiancé, she's moving to Santa Barbara, and she just got home from her second roadtrip this summer? While I'm living at home, didn't get to go anywhere this summer, and don't even have a boyfriend.

I get how selfish this all is, and I guess that's why I'm getting it out here so I can stop holding it all in and finally be over it. But I feel like this is just so unfair. I'm not saying I want to get married. I do, but not right now. I would like a boyfriend though. And I have made NO secret of the fact I want to move out. This time next year is the goal. But how is it that I do EVERYTHING right, but I'm getting the short end of the stick? I have said that I feel like an old maid, and I honestly feel that way. I know so many people getting married. All I want to is to move out and have a freaking boyfriend. How much is that to ask for?

I feel stupid and childish just typing all of this. So I'm going to stop.

The Girl Who Hid Her Scars

2010-08-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

I'm very into the Millennium Trilogy at the moment. I'm only about 65 pages into the Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest but I'm so into the story. But I've been reading in basically every waking second of free time and I have a lot on my mind at the moment so I'm taking a short break. I already watched just about every version of the Swedish Tattoo trailer, so now I'm writing.

One of the things I love about Lisbeth Salander is that she's different. Lately, that's how I've felt. Not in such an extreme way as the character, but I feel sort of left out. Like I missed a memo somewhere. I went to a Cal Hi Color Guard reunion on Sunday. It was really crazy to catch up with people I haven't seen, let alone talked to in years. I think just about everyone was married/engaged, pregnant/had kids, or at least had a boyfriend and job. Granted, I'm one of the few who has finished their college degree, and I'm well on my way to my career, but I feel like I missed some thing that was important to "growing up."

It's hard for me to explain. It's probably also important to mention that I'm the only one who kept spinning after high school (not 100% true, one girl did a baby independent guard one year then SoCal Dream... all at age 18 btw. Another girl did Corona Light it's first year). I also did something that may seem out of character, I defended Jen. We get a long SO much better now than we did the first few years teaching together, and when one of the girls who would've been a senior my first year teaching the guard (and I should mention she, and almost all the others who were on the team at the time, quit because of Jen) said "is that bitch still there?" I answer with "She's NOT a bitch" without any hesitation. I also mentioned that we no longer do some of the traditions that were in place when I was in the guard. This upset people. Seriously, I hated doing that shit when I was in the guard. It was just dumb. I wasn't going to bring any of that back, and nor would Jen probably have let me. So I should explain. We would do this little cheer (I know right?!) where someone would yell "Hey color guard, go bananas!" and the guard would yell back "No way!" and that would repeat a few times until the guard gives in and says "Okay!" then does this little dance, singing "we peel to the left, we peel to the right, we peel to the front, then uh (insert grunt and pelvic thrust) take a bite, and uh take a bite and uh uh uh uh uh! take a bite." Like, seriously?! How is that appropriate?! Sorry, I'm so much an old lady in some of views. But anyway, I didn't get the point then, and I still don't. I was surprised at how... upset? some people got. Upset might be too strong of a word, but whatever.

I felt almost looked down on, or like people thought I was full of myself for staying with guard, let alone teaching Cal. This year is my 5th year there. Since then we have had 2 medals in winter guard, and done pretty damn well in field. We also teach them interesting/hard routines compared to when I was there. I really give all the credit for how I spin to Pacific Crest. I had a little talent when I started in 05, but damn, I really sucked haha. So did everyone at Cal. We just didn't know it. And we were okay with that. People were telling stories of rehearsals and things like they were Vietnam vets hanging out together reminiscing about battle. One girl I graduated with who started during winter freshman year and I talked a lot and she was saying how it was so weird that all of us didn't keep in touch as much, considering we spent basically every waking moment together for 4 years. She started going on and on about how we practiced so much and stuff, and I couldn't help thinking about how different my view of high school guard had become since doing drum corps. To me, high school guard is cake. After a long day of band camp, I'm almost anticipating another rehearsal block. Nothing I did in high school seems so hard. But I forget that for everyone else, that's all they have. There's nothing else to compare it to, so that makes it hard to really see it wasn't that bad.

I basically said the same thing over and over all night. I would have different people ask me what I was up to. I'd say that I graduated, getting my credential, teaching at Cal and Pioneer, and that was it. I felt like a broken record. Plus hearing about people's pregnancies and weddings made me VERY self-conscious. I'm not there... yet anyway.

So the real reason I'm writing is because I feel like this week will go on forever and yet it's already almost Wednesday. This week is a big week for so many reasons. For starters it's my last week of summer and at PacProp. I hate to say it but I will miss it. When I gave my notice last week they said I was always welcome back. They'd hire me full time if I could make it work, but with student teaching, and coaching 2 guards, probably not.. But there's always Christmas, Spring Break and next summer :]. This is also DCI finals week. I wish I could be there so bad. But unfortunately, I can't. Though, I found out I could have free tickets to finals night being a 2009 ageout haha. Too bad I live in California and Indianapolis too far away. So this means that PC is almost home, and along with it my best friend. She ages out Friday night. I'm so excited/proud of her.

Friday is also an important day. I plan on locking myself in my bedroom, drinking LOT and reading to get my mind off things. Friday is the 13th... which means 2 things... 2 horrible things. First, the 13th means that it is a another month with out Zach. Nine to be exact. And it was a Friday the 13th when he left us. So that makes it just a little worse. Next, it is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I can barely even talk about it. I don't usually refer to it so bluntly as just now. I usually say "what happened in August 08" which can easily throw people off who don't know. Zach and I broke up in August 08, I was sent home from tour on the verge of pneumonia... so I can get people off my case or talk about it without really thinking about it. It's kind of funny how the 2 most horrible days in my life kind of align. Zach was an important part of that day. I did sorta blame him at first. If he hadn't dumped me over the phone, I wouldn't have gone out with Melania and Jennee to get drunk and nothing would've happened... but I soon realized that it wasn't his fault at all, it was no one's fault. Except for the fucking prick who hurt me and got away with it. I lost a little bit of faith in the LAPD, and police in general, when he went free. There was no evidence and I didn't remember anything, nor did I want to ever talk to him or see him again. I pretty much refuse to talk to my family about it, or anyone. After it happened was a VERY bad time in my life. My parents became too over bearing and I basically shut them out. I still remember a conversation with Zach. We met for coffee to talk about the break up and what happened. He told me to see a therapist. I said I didn't want to talk to anyone. He told me a very private story about how it'd helped him and may help me. I never took his advice, but I am thankful he cared enough to tell me that story and offer me help even after we had broken up. I miss him so much.

Thursday Melania and I are spending PC's quarter finals performance time with Zach. He should be up on that podium. I love that Mark is there, but I still have a hard time see him there and not Zach. It will be emotional for sure. Especially with what the next day is. And I have to got teach High School after, so that should be fun haha.

Anyway, I'm annoyed with typing, so I'm going to read more or just watch a movie... guess which one...

Warning! Single Girl Venting

2010-07-25T22:10:00.001-07:00

I know, I know. I complain too much about being single. Mostly because this is one of the few places I can get my frustrations out. I think I preface every one of these entries that way anymore, and though I probably have all of 2 readers, I still feel it necessary to note that I'm not ALWAYS focused on being miserably single. I do enjoy life and being single, promise. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a boyfriend too.

I know, like, way too many people getting married. I really, truly am happy for them. I mean that with all my heart. I love that people I know and care about have found the one person to complete them, their soul mate if you will. But when I see things on facebook that are pretty lovey dovey, coupley bull shit, I wanna cry. I want that. I want that so badly. I'm so focused on other things right now, paying off student loans, finishing my credential, helping out at home... I never do anything or go anywhere where I can meet people. The one boy who semi cares about me I push away simply because I know that nothing could and ever will happen. It's horrible. I want to be more out there. I attempted the online dating thing for a hot second then realized how many people on the internet can lie and stopped. I'm lonely.

I feel bad for my best friend. I almost feel like I put that loneliness on her too much. Whenever I'm upset or excited or whatever, I text/IM/call/talk to her about it. And that's not a bad thing. She's probably the first friend I've had that I could do that with and get that close to. I love that I have her there for me if I need her and even when I don't. But she does have a boyfriend and one of my biggest fears is getting in the way of her relationship with him. I don't want to be a nuisance. I don't want to be that girl. I especially don't want to be a third wheel. I love Mark, but I don't want to be in that position. And I'm sure they wouldn't want that either. I felt almost embarrassed when she told me that had talked about possibly hooking me up with one of his roommates. As much as I kinda want to meet a guy through my friends (since I figure it's a good way of meeting someone when you're shy, and making sure they aren't a creeper) I feel like "wow, am I that desperate?" And apparently they're good at the match making thing since they got some PC peeps together.

I don't know. I just saw a few too many soon-to-be-married gooey status updates and needed to vent. OH! I think I've mentioned this before, but OLIVIA is now saying how much she hates people talking about getting married. YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, SHUT UP! haha I get that he's gone for the summer and that sucks, but I have no one. I have no boyfriend. She's halfway to the married thing basically. Sans ring.

Anyway, I wanna read a little before bed. "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" is starting to get really good. It only took 300 pages for the story to really start haha.

Restless Summer Sunday

2010-07-18T17:24:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those days. One of those days where nothing seems to satisfy. Nothing is enough to fill the boredom.

It's been a rather typical Sunday by all accounts. Slept in, nice breakfast. Watching a few hours of the History channel. Caught a movie with my brother. Now I'm sitting here. Watching fragments of movies while flipping through the channels.

I just want to get out.

There is something about today. Maybe it's the way the sun is angled, or... I don't even know. I just know that this is one of those afternoons. They usually happen in the summer time. Where the light comes through the windows in just the right way. Where things feel a little, stale. I really don't know how to describe it. It gives me this heavy, almost anxious feeling in my chest. Almost like building up for a scream. And that's kind of what I feel like, screaming. I want to just get out. Drive without a destination. Just get out, explore. But I'm also too paranoid of going places alone, and I know that realistically I shouldn't. I have work early in the morning, and I really shouldn't be wasting gas...

But the urge to get out of the house, to leave somewhere else... it's so strong I could scream.

I think sometimes that I read too much or watch too many movies. I get these pictures in my head. "Perfect" moments. And I just want to be in those moments. Right now, I want to be by the ocean. Just sit and listen to the waves, do some people watching. That would be perfect. Or even go to Downtown LA. I don't know why, but that just seems like the place to be right now. I wish there was a way to quench this thirst. To make this anxious feeling leave. But I don't want to go alone. I don't mind driving alone. But this void I'm feeling, it's one of those times where I feel like sitting with someone. I wish there was someone around that I could hang out with. Go on an adventure to look for that "perfect" moment to live in. And I'm sure I could find someone, but I'm not the best at looking.

So now I sit here. Perhaps I'll read something. Who knows. Even writing, which can usually settle my nerves, isn't helping with this feeling.

Oh how wonderful summer can be... if only I had someone with me to go on adventures

22 years, 362 days...

2010-07-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

It's almost my birthday. It's weird to think that I'm almost 23. Not an exciting age, but still... it's one of those ages where it just sounds old. I feel old. An injury from 2007 has come back to haunt me. I've been babying a hurt shoulder for almost a week now. I even had to go to the doctors for another cortisone shot, it hurt. So that's been happening. I've been uber moody from PMSing. It's really sad that I KNOW that I'm being a little over the top, especially with my anger, but I just NEED to get it out. It's hard to explain. Olivia has decided that we're making these fucking curtains, I don't even want, yet I spent almost $100 on the materials for them, and I've done all the sewing thus far. It's really annoying, and especially with how moody I am, there has been a lot of yelling lately.

The shoulder thing has really made life suck, because I'm trying to lose 8 pounds, and when it hurts to move the shoulder, it's hard to do anything. I've been trying to wake up early every morning and go running, but I decided not to on Thursday and Friday, or over the weekend. So I ran about 2 miles last week. I'm going to try to do it every morning this week, but I already think that I may not on birthday. But then again, I may still run that day. I mean, I never thought the day would come when Olivia weighs 6 pounds less than me. I'm 133 according to Kaiser. I mean, that's not horrible, but I'd so rather be 120-125. So that's the goal for the summer: at least be 125 by the time I start school. I miss drum corps. I don't want to be that age out that suddenly gains a ton of weight. Yeah, yeah I'm not 300lb or something, but still this is a lot to me and I'm extremely self-conscious of my weight. I mean, I've always been small. I don't want to deal with people going "oh you put on a little" trying to be cute. That kills me. Hell, I get crap from my parents for wanting to eat a little healthier. I'm sorry I don't want to be over 200lbs. I hate saying it, but I don't want to be like my mom. It's in her genes, which means it's in mine too.

Sigh

I feel like a total jack ass now.

Anyway, so I don't even know what else to type about. I could complain a little about being single, how annoying Noah is when he sends me stupid things about Rock-a-sauras Rex, or how my heart is slowly breaking because PC will be leaving for tour this week, but I'm really annoying myself right now with simple dwelling on all of the above. I think I my just go to sleep. I needed to type a little bit.

2010-06-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

Why is this so back and forth? Why do we have this seemingly, never-ending cycle for a relationship; where we hate each other, slowly start to miss each other, then it seems like we can really be friends... or maybe more... then it all comes crashing down? I really hate it. I want something real, something for sure, something that will last. I hate getting sucked into this. I really try not to but for some reason I keep coming back. I feel like this is one big game. When one of us gives in to talk to the other, that person loses. All I did was send an innocent text message right now, nothing like "I miss you so much" or anything, just a question about barbecue, and now I feel like I am a complete failure. I just lost the game.

I was watching a show earlier ("What I Like About You," haha I've seen almost EVERY episode) and the character Holly was talking about how she always goes back to this boy named Vince... and her sister was like "if you keep going back to him, what do you think that means?" and then Holly said something about loving him. It got me thinking about this situation.

Do I still love him? If you ask me the question out right, I will probably answer, without hesitation, no. Because to me, in my mind, I don't. He is nothing I want in a boyfriend. He is not someone I can see myself with in the long run. I'm a pretty low key girl; I don't party, I don't go to clubs... I'm really quite boring. I sometimes wish I was the girl who did all those things, but being the "boring" girl has led me to being a much stronger, independent person than I thought possible. I've already graduated college, started on the path to my dream career, and I'm only 22 (well, for a few more weeks anyway :]); and most of those party girls I know are either doing nothing with their degrees or still in college, or even dropped out. He is a lot like those party girls. He's in numerous rock/jazz/blues bands. He does drugs, and dropped out of college, where he had a FULL RIDE to a great school for his craft. These things make perfect sense to him, it's his dream life and he's already living it. I don't fit into that world, and I don't think I ever could.

Now, this is all on paper. On paper we have SO little in common, it makes you wonder why I keep having some sort of attachment to him. It's the other things, the things that don't really make sense on the page, that make me as attracted to him as a bug to a bug zapper. Seriously, think about it. The bug probably just watched a few of its friends get killed by this bright, shinning light, but it can't help but want to go to the light. I feel like that about this situation. As much as he is selfish and I can seriously hate him, he is funny. He has turned me on to so many new things, some of my favorite movies and songs. Granted, I can't be sure I don't just like those things because they remind me of him or if I really do like them, but still. Even when we hate each other, we can still have a good conversation. Most of the time that will turn into a fight, but it is usually resolved in the course of the conversation. We also get extremely jealous of each other. I thought this was just me, because I am just a jealous person (I hate that about myself, but it's who I am) but he gets JUST as jealous of people/boys I talk to. There is just something so... familiar about him. I feel safe. Despite the time or distance between us I can talk to him about (almost) anything... and even he can get excited about things in my "boring" life.

Maybe it is these things that don't show up on the page that keep bring me back to him. But is that really good? Is that healthy. I don't feel like it is. In fact, the last 7 months of my life have been devoted to pushing him away at every turn. This is not to say I haven't had moments where I broke, texting or calling him. But, going back to my little "game," I usually just sulk, complain to my best friend, and wait for when he gives in to contact me. I always say/feel like I win every time he calls me and I don't answer. Even now. My innocent BBQ question turned into a mini conversation... the first we've had in probably a week or so... and a month before that... and it was all because he kept texting me. all of my texts were ones that could have easily ended the conversation. But I still feel like I have "lost" this round because, I text him first, and I sent the last text which he did not respond to. Almost everything I say to him is katty and slightly bitchy... annoyed... because I get that way usually when I talk to him.

But the fact that lately, for some unknown reason, I have not been able to get him off my mind, that I have thought about giving in to call or text him and this was the first "legitimate" reason I've had to do so, and the conversation is over and I "miss" him... that makes me feel like the loser. I don't like losing this game. I don't even want to play it! I think most of my blogs have either been about him or Zach... it's really sad if you think about it. The ex-boyfriend I keep coming back to and the one that is really gone and I don't think I am/was ever over.

I swear, I need a new name to add to this blog haha. I need to find someone... and I need to actively search... it's been almost 2 years since Zach and I broke up... and he was my last "official" boyfriend (even though Noah and I did date on and off since then)... and I strongly dislike writing blogs like this, but I do it still... like I keep coming back to him... maybe that's just the person I am... who knows. I needed to vent though, get this all off my chest. I feel like I did just that. At least a little bit.

Trip

2010-06-16T12:59:00.001-07:00

So I was offered the chance for a trip. A trip where I wouldn't have to pay anything (in theory). I was offered this trip at 2am, while half asleep. I said I would think about it, and answer when I was actually awake.

This was about a month ago. I still haven't officially answered. But I just gave an almost answer. I said yes, as long as it was before band camp. That doesn't necessarily work for the other person tho.

I always start off being vague, when I know people will already know who I'm talking about. Yes, Noah offered to fly my out to Memphis for a week. He's apparently moving home in a year, but wants to show me his life out there. It's kinda nice of him, but I have a life too... & it's not very often I have the ability to just take off to the other side of the country for a week. I'm working full time this summer, so even though I'm done with drum corps, doesn't mean I have a summer to just goof off. I was thinking, I'd say yes if he'd be willing to do it before I have to go to band camp, only for a few days instead of a full week, and preferably around my birthday, since I really don't have plans for that. Well this doesn't work for thim. He's trying to save up to visit his mom in Nebraska first, and that's in August.

So basically he wants me to come in the winter or fall, when it's all cold & shit. I can deal with the humidity & heat of summer. Cold? Snow? Rain? No. Just. No. Plus, like I said, I have a life. He may not be in school anymore (& trust, I'm still upset with him for dropping out) but I start student teaching in the fall. I'm working at 2 high schools while doing that, I still have to go to actual classes... this fall is going to be the hardest test of my abilities as a teacher yet. If I can survive this, then I think I'll be ready to be a real teacher. I can't just say, "hey, I'm peacing out to Memphis for a week." He was like "you have to have a little break in there somewhere." Yes, Noah, it's called Christmas. You know, that holiday most people spend with their families? I also told him that our friendship is so on-again/off-again I don't even know if we'll be on speaking terms that far ahead. We're only just starting to talk again now, & even then he pisses me off half the time.

You'd think that would mean I'd be whatever about visiting him. But seriously? I really want to. I would LOVE to go visit the South and not have it be with drum corps. That sounds like so much fun. Maybe it's because I'm still in my Gone With The Wind phase, but I really want to go visit the South. I would only want to stay a few days because quite frankly, his party lifestyle is just not me. We turned out to be 2 VERY different people. I am not a party girl at all. I like to drink and have fun with my friends, but not like surrounded by like 300 other people I don't know. That's just not my thing, at all. He said he would want to show me his life there, take me to one of his gigs. I'm fine with that. But a week of that? No thanks. Plus, I'm SO putting my foot down about the drugs thing. He'd have to be clean for me to go all the way out there. It's kind of funny, because I'm like putting all these stipulations to me taking HIS offer to PAY FOR ME to go out there. I'm sorry, I know this boy too well I'm not playing his games. He's going to have to play mine if he wants me out there.

The night he called to ask me to go to Memphis, he also told me he loved me & missed me. He hasn't done that in a very long time. I don't love him anymore, I miss him, but no love. There are feelings there, but I have no clue what you would call them. Most of the time I talk to him, I'm excited to see his name on me phone, but once I answer I'm just pissed off. Rarely do I enjoy talking to him. I think it's just hard to let go because he was my first love. I really do want a boyfriend and all that jazz, but I know Noah is not the right guy for that. I don't think he ever will be. We want very different things from life and quite frankly, I'm allowed to be picky when it comes to finding someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have a feeling I'm going to be waiting a long time, but once I find the right guy, the wait will have been worth it. So Noah telling me he loves me may be flattering, but also scares me.

I've been thinking about this a lot today & thought that I would just write it down because seeing the words helps me think through my thoughts.

Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&bID=535920488#ixzz0r32J9uEs

Laredo

2010-06-15T22:30:00.001-07:00

I have been in love with Band of Horses for a few years now. I keep telling people how AMAZING their song The Funeral is, because it is honestly my favorite song.

Well, I didn't think anyone listened to me.

Skip to the other day when I was sitting in work & what comes on the radio? Laredo! The new Band of Horses single off their album Infinite Arms. I love the song, I do. But it's kind of like, FINALLY! & Laredo isn't even the best song on the album (I'm equally as smitten with Factory, On My Way Back Home, NW Apt. & Compliments)

But really folks, listen to some of their older stuff! I still say that The Funeral is the best song they've done, but here is my MUST list for this band.

- The Funeral (Everything All The Time)
- Monster (Everything All The Time)
- Is There A Ghost In My House? (Cease to Begin)
- No Ones Gonna Love You (Cease to Begin)
- Factory (Infinite Arms)
- Compliments (Infinite Arms)
- NW Apt. (Infinite Arms)
- Cigarettes, Wedding Bands (Cease to Begin)
- Dilly (Infinite Arms)
- Your Love Is Forever (A cover of a George Harrison song)
- Laredo (Infinite Arms)

I know this will probably not be read nor will people take my music advice, but I just thought I'd put it out there just in case :]

Freedom?

2010-06-01T22:35:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't written anything in a while. Part of it is because I came to the realization that by putting something online, I'm making it known... it no longer belongs to me. Not really new information, I just realized that maybe I should start keeping things to myself. That, and I feel like I complain ENTIRELY too much, especially in my blogs. But oh well. Tis life. I'm procrastinating on my LAST assignment of the school year, and I'm so freakin' bored I'm considering working on this thing. Yeah, I'm that bored haha.

Let's see, where to start?

I've been applying for jobs like crazy. The realization that I barely have money available on my credit card and little money in my bank account has made me really nervous about the summer. I wanted to actually, you know, do stuff this summer. At this rate, I'll be lucky to pay bills, let alone get to so stuff. So yeah, that's been pretty stressful. Whatever. I've had 2 interviews. Didn't get either job, but I felt it was at least a good warm up. I sent in my resume for this job at the Boys and Girls club today. I'm pretty excited because I really want to work there. We'll see what happens. Hopefully they at least interview me.

I got accepted to student teach in the fall, but I still have NO CLUE where. Oh, and did I mention that I probably won't know until mid-September... after most school's have been in session for almost a month... Um... yeah, awesome. -__-. But whatever. I'm just excited that things are moving along in my career goals. I've already made the decision to go straight into grad school after I finish my credential. I mean, the likelihood there will be teaching jobs available this time next year is looking pretty thin. I figure, I will need to get my master's down the road anyway (because of how teacher pay scales go) so I may as well just get it now. Plus I can keep my in-school deferment on my loans... while acquiring more of them... oh joy. haha. I still have to figure out what to get my master's in. I'm kind of leaning toward education because I think it would help me be a stronger teacher, but I really love the idea of taking more history classes. I figure, if I don't make up my mind by November when all the applications are due, I'll just apply everywhere (i.e. Cal Poly Pomona, Cal State Fullerton, Cal State Long Beach... MAYBE SDSU, & U of La Verne) for both History and Education, then decide based on what programs I get accepted to.

I was kind of thinking of going back to UCI because I LOVED the History dept. there, but with the way the UC tuitions are going up, and the already ridiculous cost of living in Irvine, Cal States are the way to go. I did it the financially smart way, UC then Cal State. Olivia, on the other hand, is doing the opposite. I mean, it's a REALLY good thing she got a full ride to UCSB. I think she'll love it up there. Well, everything but Jeremy being down here haha. Her and my Dad had a "shit just got real" kind of talk tonight. She has been thinking that she can live in a quiet neighborhood, in her own apartment, off campus, living off giving flute lessons. Um, news flash sister, Santa Barbra ain't cheap. Olivia has never had a real job, and while I give her a hard time for it, I do it because I care. Like, seriously! She's 21! She has NO work experience. How does she expect to even be able to AFFORD living up there. She has NO money in savings, all the money she currently has is going toward this stupid road trip with Jeremy. I love her, and I just want her to be happy. But she has to be realistic. If she lived in the grad school dorms, she'd be perfect. It'd be covered by the full ride. BUT she doesn't like people. Like, really. C'mon! She get's a $500 allowance to pay for extra stuff, like books. But that's it. She has no money! At this point, she's commuting from Whittier to UCSB in the fall because she has nowhere to live. And HEAVEN FORBID she live where other college kids live, because they party and are loud. Dude, get over it! Make the best of a bad sich. She NEEDS to lighten up. Like, if ANYONE ever tells me I'm too picky or anything like that, I'll just have them meet my sister. The way I look at it, she has a good thing. My parents KNOW I want out of here. I want out of here so freakin' bad. But I'm trying to do the responsible thing and take care of my debt (which isn't as bad as other people I know), trying to find a (technically 3rd) job, I help out a HELL OF A LOT MORE around the house... I don't know. I just feel like she takes what we have for granted. And my parents have NO way of helping her. Like, business is seriously bad and it scares me. I've decided when I find a job I'm paying rent, even though they don't ask. I just want to help. I see my little brother, almost in college, and I get scared he won't have the chance OIivia and I had, just because of the stupid economy. Michael is smarter than BOTH of us, he deserves a great college experience.

So yeah. Just some rants. I think I'm getting sick. My throat has been killing me. It could also be that I've started using the ceiling fan in my room, and fans/AC always get me, but we'll see. Um... we did captain/drum major interviews at Cal today. I think my Bro has a good shot at DM, or at least Asst. DM. We'll see. My opinion is, of course, biased.

That's all I can think of for the moment. Not as much complaining... at least about myself, just complaining about Olivia :P

Au Revoir

2010-05-07T22:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm in one big in between.

I hate it.

I feel like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what. I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to feel so restless. I want something new. Someone new.

I have been having a lot of weird dreams lately. I don't remember them well, but they're VERY vivid and I don't sleep well. I always wake up tired anymore... well, for the last week anyway. Most of the dreams have Noah in them. I just talked to him not too long ago. It was the third night in a row that he called me, and he sent me a message on facebook of links to videos he wanted me to watch of him performing. I told him I didn't watch them, and basically just sounded really annoyed when I was on the phone with him, I think the call lasted 3 minutes, if that. I honestly don't know if I was really annoyed or acting annoyed because I feel like I should be annoyed. I know he's no good for me. I know this and I let him in still. I'm tired of it. I want something new dammit, and he's still trying to pull the same ol' bullshit. I did watch a little of the videos he sent me. I couldn't watch them all the way through because I really did get annoyed. I just think about things like how he dropped out of school, he's still a party animal, and pot smoker... he's not the sweet Noah that I have dreams about...

I want to know what these dreams mean, so I looked up the things in a dream dictionary. Apparently I'm facing my past or some such shit? I don't know. I had a really weird dream last night that he actually wasn't in. In it they were like letting me march this summer even though clearly™ I've aged out, but then I was faced with having to choose between winter guard next year, or summer this year, because of money. I think it was because I fell asleep trying to decide whether or not to go to Lealta auditions this weekend. I was going to go, but I don't really have the money for it (only $30, but still) and I kind of want my weekend. And it is mother's day weekend after all, I should be home with my mom. So I sorta lied and said that I had family stuff come up. Really, I wanted to have a weekend. But I still want to go. I miss spinning so much and I love all those people. But it's a lot of time and work to get down there. I will do summer program and all that good stuff, and I'm driving down next weekend for banquet, so I'll still see all my friends soon.

I tried applying for a bunch of jobs today. Let's hope I hear something soon. I really want to be working full time this summer. It hit me today I have 1 or 2 more pay checks coming my way from Cal for the school year, that's about $1000... I need more than that to get through the summer and have a life. So let's hope I hear something. Also, I still haven't got my check for Cal this month, so here's hoping that it's the mail tomorrow (they still have Saturday mail right?). Well, I was really just a little frustrated, so I decided to write something. I really do have other things going on in my life, I swear I don't just sit here complaining... though it does account for some of my time :] I mean, I have my teaching credential stuff going for me, which I'm like throwing myself into at the moment. So yeah. All right. time for bed...

<3

Want, Need, Have

2010-04-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

On my way home from hanging out with friends last night I got very reflective.

Actually, that's a lie.

I was reflective before I even left. I was especially reflective after sending an impulsive text message to Memphis. And I continued to be reflective as I drove down the empty freeway at 1 in the morning.

These things happen... but why?

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Just as a side note, that does inform this a bit, I was talking with some friends about a person who doesn't seem to be able to start a sentence without I, Me, This one time I, Mine... basically without reference to herself. I feel like that's how 99.9% of my blogs are, and even some of my conversations with people, and that bothers me a lot.

As I was saying (ugh, again with the "I"), I've been thinking. I've noticed that things seem to fall into 3 indiscreet categories: Things I want, Things I need, and Things I have. Some of these things are really obvious, like I want more money, I need some money, I don't have much money.

But not everything is really that cut and dry.

There are some things I don't have, that I definitely want, but I'm not sure I need. Other things I need but I don't want.

It's all so complicated.

Sometimes... Not even that, ALL the time, I know I think too much. I'm in my head far too often. Not sure where I heard this quote but I love it, "get out of your head! It's nice out here in the real world." I feel like me telling myself that isn't enough though. I need more motivation. See, another need.

So, as I was thinking about it, these were some of the things that I need, somethings I want, and others that I may or may not have. Nothing about my thought process is linear, so if anyone actually reads this, good luck.

Of course the first thing on my list of wants is a boyfriend. I'm fucking over being single (For anyone who has EVER given me a hard time about always having a boyfriend, I've been single for almost 2 years, I have a right to want a relationship damn it!). I don't tell many people this, but one of my biggest fears is being a lonely old woman, or not finding "the one" until I'm too old to have children. I want to grow old with someone, not grow old then find someone. I know, I know... I'm 22! I'm not old by any means (unless you're DCI or WGI, but that's another story haha), but I'm never in the situation to meet someone new. I just finished winter guard, where the boys are more girly than I will probably ever be. I go to school with people who are at least 6 years older than me for the most part and most of them are married. I work at a high school, and there are so many things wrong about finding a boyfriend there it's not even remotely funny. So what does that leave me? I mentioned to my best friend I think friends are my only resource for finding a boyfriend, and she talked to her almost boyfriend to see if he knew anyone. While I love that she did that, do you know how pathetic it makes me feel?! I don't want to beg my friends for dates. The ONLY time a friend has ever set me up on a date it was with their older brother, which was fun, but definitely didn't feel any sparks.

I have a hard time opening up and making friends. I try, but I know I don't try enough. I'm not an outgoing person, and it's not a trait easily learned. If I were making a list (which I very well may), being more out going would probably be second or third on the wants, and first one the needs. I'm pretty confident most of the wants and needs could be taken care of simply by being more out going. I could probably enhance some of the haves too with more out going-ness.

So much easier said than done.

For needs, a job is pretty high on the list. I have been working on it. I send out applications, but school makes my availability pretty limited. It's so Catch-22: I need a job, so I go to school so I can get a good job, but in the mean time it keeps me from getting a job to simply make ends meet. I've also thought that a job would be an excellent place to meet a boy, but whatever haha. Like I said, I'm working on it, it's just hard to make things work with going to school at night and having Cal in the morning.

This leads me to something I do have. I do have Cal Hi. As frustrating it can be sometimes, I do have a job there where I realistically don't have to do all that much. Yes, I do a lot, but I know it's not like working at Target or something more mature. I'm grateful to have something.

I feel like I'm organizing my thoughts too much right now.

The way I look at it, here's where I want to be:
Teaching history somewhere in Southern California, preferably San Diego (Lealta got me hooked on that place :]), teaching guard and perhaps spinning.

That's it. I want the husband and kids and all that "American Dream" stuff, but for some reason, I can't see it. That scares the crap out of me. I want to see it, but I don't know. I sort of feel like I don't need it, which also scares me. Mostly because it's a new way of thinking for me. As little girls most of us, at least me any way, are taught that you get married, have babies, maybe work, maybe not. I've always been taught that was the way to go about things. I know it's what I've always wanted, so why is it so hard to see it?

I guess the main point of this is that wants, needs and haves don't necessarily line up. Our perceptions of these things is constantly changing, even if the things themselves don't.

...

To get a little out of character for me, I'm going to get a tad religious. I'm not the most religious person in the world, I've mentioned this before. I joke I'm the black sheep in the family because I don't go with them to church (which has nothing to do with religion, just church in general... but another conversation for another time). But this doesn't mean I don't believe in God. With all this thinking I've been doing I've been wondering what the plan is. I know what my plan is, but what about His plan? I mean, maybe I haven't found a boyfriend because I'm not supposed to yet, or maybe I'm just not supposed to have one. I don't know. I hate not knowing because I don't like not having control, but He's really the only one with control. I don't know. Like I've said, a few times now, I'm NOT really religious, so even me talking like this right now feels foreign to me. But I guess that's how it is?

I don't know how much is me still being frustrated and how much is me just not wanting to work on school work right now. I should probably focus on something I need to do, like this assignment. I feel like I have only scratched the surface of this want, need, have conversation (is it a conversation if I'm doing all the talking?), so I may write something about this again when I clear my head a bit and can quit writing in circles.

Ciao.

Lame Attempt @ Poetry

2010-03-30T23:58:00.000-07:00

I do everything I can to not think about you.

not talk about you.

not call you.

not text you.

when all I want to do is hear your voice.

I miss you more than I want to.

I hate it.

its hard to fight the urge to call you.

especially late at night.

when the loneliness is too much to handle.

soon my resolve will strengthen.

it always does.

something will remind me just why I don't want to care about you.

but for now, it's hard to hold it back.

"A tree for all these problems"

2010-03-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

"Well hey, they just like monsters.... though to say we got much hope... if I am lost it's only for a little while..." (Monsters - Band of Horses)

I'm in one of those rut moods. Where everything is frustrating, and you just want something to change. Things are hardly what I thought they would be right now, but at the same time there are exactly as I expected. I just started my 3rd quarter at Cal Poly, finishing up the last of my courses I need before I start student teaching in the Fall. I'm leaving for Dayton, OH a week from today for WGI championships. I hardly see my PC family.

I'm feelin' pretty lonely.

Its sad that I kinda miss how things were right after Zach died. I feel horrible saying that, but I really do miss parts. Obviously I don't miss the depressing things. It's still something I have a hard time dealing with but I think I can say most people, myself included, are doing better than in the first few weeks and months after it happened. (side note, it's almost been 5 months... so crazy to think about) But right after it all happened, we were all so close. No one wanted to be alone, everyone was together. I miss that. Thanks to winter guard I haven't been able to do anything PC people have planned. I missed Vegas for Zach's birthday. I have WGASC champs the weekend of Big Bear, other various parties and meet ups have been when I've had rehearsals and shows.

It's really upsetting.

I already feel like I'm losing a BIG piece of my life not being able to march this summer, and I feel like I'm getting more severed from my PC family than I wanted. I always feel so out of the loop. Then, I when I do talk to them, I feel like I alienate them because everything that I have to talk about is like "Lealta this" or "teaching that".

I love that I have become closer with people on Lealta. I am so happy I decided to march and made it work. I just got a solo/duet this weekend (a boy on the guard is injured & I'm taking his spot in sabre exchange... it's kind of a big deal :D). I only get one chance to perform it before WGI Prelims :/ but I was catching on really fast on Sunday (when I learned it halfway through rehearsal haha) and 9 out of 10 times things went well. The people are funny and I have a good time with them.

But I miss my PC friends.

It's times like this that I want a boyfriend. I feel pretty pathetic, because I feel like this is the type of thing I ALWAYS write about when I write a blog, but its feeling like this that makes me want to write haha. I feel like I took a few steps backward in the shyness department somewhere. I was really being more out there for a while... at least more so than usual, and now I'm that girl who barely talks again. I hate that girl. But I'm just like, not motivated. I don't know. I want to meet someone new. Someone unrelated to drum corps but I don't know how to meet those kind of people.

Hence this rut feeling. This frustration. This loneliness.

There are lots of people I want to talk to, but I always end up getting burned or in the way.

UGH, I'm so pathetic tonight. Hopefully... scratch that. I KNOW tomorrow will be a better day. I have less than a week to Dayton. I'm so excited. At least I have that to focus on. After that, its schoooooooooool and finding a job. haha I'm so Debbie Downer when I shouldn't be.

<3

Happy Birthday

2010-03-17T01:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Zach,

Happy Birthday. Today you would be... should be 21 years old. And of all days it's St. Patrick's Day, one of the holidays where it's socially acceptable to be shitfaced the whole day. I wish you could be here to celebrate. Just after midnight I took a double shot of grey goose & said a little toast to you. No chaser. Not fun, but I thought back to that party at Rob's, when you got dooped into taking a double shot with every age out there, & they were all doing water shots while you were doing vodka shots. Hilarious. I had to walk you back to the house after you insisted on walking me to my car.

I'm doing lots of remembering tonight.

I remember when you helped me move out of my apartment in Irvine. We were talking about birthdays for some reason and you mentioned how your sister was so excited for your 21st because it was on St. Patrick's Day. I really wish you could be here to have that birthday with your sister. I know she invited a bunch of your friends to Vegas for your birthday. I was supposed to go, but once I joined winter guard I didn't have the time or money for it. I hope they have fun. I know you'll be there in spirit celebrating with them.

I remember how you were there for me on my 21st. You carried me out of the restaurant to your car, then from your car to my back door. You were such a sweetheart. I still have all the pictures you took that night. In most of them you can almost tell I'm saying "Zach! Stop! No more pictures!" but you didn't. And even though you're only in I think 2 of those pictures, every single one reminds me of you.

I still miss you so much. A few days ago marked 4 months without you. It still seems surreal. 4 months! It's funny, I knew the date the entire day, but it really didn't hit me that it was the 13th until I took the floor for my competition. I think I had a better show because I thought about you. Things have gotten a little easier. That whole 'time heals all wounds' adage is true, but it still hurts. Sometimes it hits hard, other times I just smile thinking about you. I dread getting a voicemail anymore, because the only saved voicemail on my phone is the one from Stuart that morning, because I missed his call the first time. Just hearing the beginning gets my heart racing & I have to hang up. I'm always so scared to listen to voicemails, because I don't want to hear it on accident.

I haven't been to visit you in almost 2 months. I'm sorry. I want to, but I don't really want to go alone and I haven't really had time because of school. Lame excuses, I know. I'm on Spring Break for the next 2 weeks, and trust me, there's a trip to see you somewhere in there. I think you'd be happy for me for all the things I've been doing lately. At the golf tournament you asked me about my credential program and how I liked it. I had barely started it then, so I didn't really have much to say, but now I'm almost done. I'll start student teaching in the Fall. Like, I'm almost a real teacher. It's pretty crazy to think about, and I'm so nervous about it, but I know you'd be nothing but encouraging, telling me how I could be good at it. You were always good at helping me to see the other side of things. And this winter guard thing. I'm sure you would've been just as surprised as me that I'm actually doing this. But I know you'd be encouraging about it too.

I really miss you, Zach. Happy Birthday Buddy. I hope you have a great one up there. We'll all celebrate it down here as best we can without you.

Love,

Samantha

Dear You

2010-03-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, you.

You know who you are.

Sorry for attempting to mend something that clearly will never be again. Clearly™. It was my mistake to think that things you said before may still be true. Obviously you have no need for my friendship anymore, and that's fine. I had already anticipated this, so it really doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. The thing is, I thought that maybe, just maybe... that you may miss me too.

I guess I've been right all along. I really should listen to myself more often. I miss who you used to be, and Clearly™ that person no longer exists. I may as well be missing a fictional character.

I won't bother you again with a random friend request. It was pretty thoughtless of me to send one in the first place. Regardless of how much I would love to cuss you out, cry, and be ridiculous over this, I refuse to be that immature.

Especially over you.

Instead, I hope you enjoy your life and that you are successful in what you do, though I do not agree with the way you're going about it. But, not my place to comment. Those are the type of things said to friends and judged of strangers, and frankly, that's all you will ever be to me now.

Have a nice life,

Samantha

Trying To Sleep With A Broken Heart

2010-02-15T22:28:00.000-08:00

Don't let the title fool you, I'm not heartbroken. I'm just very anti-Valentine's day, and even though it was yesterday, I'm STILL anti-Valentine's day lol. i just feel really restless right now and thought that writing would be a really good thing to help it. (And the title is the name a song we use for warmup at Lealta.)

It was a beautiful day today. I love the weather when it's warm. We had rehearsal outside at Cal today, and with it being so hot it reminded me of summer. Jenny and Jason were telling us after rehearsal on Saturday how hard the first season not spinning is. Jenny said that after she stopped doing Fantasia she had to wait two years to watch a show, which she only did to support Jason... and she cried like a baby. Ben said his first drum corps show after aging out he "cried like a royal bitch" in the stands. I stopped by PC rehearsal after Lealta on Sunday. I was SO excited that A) I left San Diego when the sun was still out! and B) PC would just be getting out by the time I'd reach the 57. It was pretty surreal. I felt a little mad at myself once I left Diamond Bar. I was a little spinning betty for a hot second while I was there... I hate being that girl that spins to get attention, but I definitely was :/ oh well, these things happen. But I was also mad at myself because I felt like I was intruding. I went mostly to see my best friend because our lives are too busy right now and I haven't seen her in forever, but I felt like I was just... I don't know how to explain it. It's like, even though PC will always be my home, I was a stranger. Granted, I don't know HALF the people marching, I just felt like an outsider. It's something I'll have to get used to I guess.

Admittedly, I'm waiting for my parents to go to sleep right now. Once they leave the room I'm going to start crying like a baby. Not really connected to the above paragraph, but sorta. I've been thinking a lot about Zach lately. A little more than usual. Saturday marked 3 months without him. That's just surreal. I wrote his initials and I-vii-I-vi-V on my wrist in sharpie on Saturday. Lealta people probably thought I was crazy because when they would ask what it was, my response was, "it's to keep me sane today." I had a mini-breakdown in the middle of rehearsal, luckily it wasn't when we were being worked with as a group. I was having a hell of a time with my rifle tosses, and my turn around was not happening... my 6 in general was not happening, so I was getting really frustrated. I just stayed in my little back corner and tossed and cried. Most people didn't notice, thankfully. Everyone was either attempting to be productive while Ben and Earnest worked with certain groups, or they were talking, so no one notice me. I stayed the night with Stephanie and Mani, mostly because just being with people who knew Zach made me feel better. They didn't know how upset I was, but they were a big help without realizing it. I swear, I've already had so many Zach-related breakdowns at Leatla they must think I'm crazy. I already feel like I'm barely fitting in just because I'm so shy and making new friends is really hard for me. I'm really working on it though. That's actually something Zach inspired in me. He always told me (before, during and after we were together) that I should talk me, be more social. I'm really trying, Zach, I am... though I can definitely hear him saying "do or do not. There is no try." Him and his stupid Yoda quote he'd always use on me whenever I said "I'm trying..." Gosh, I miss him. I was thinking about it on my drive to rehearsal Saturday, if he were still around I really wouldn't see him. I would probably get random picture comments or "likes" on Facebook. He'd say "Hi" when I'd stop by PC rehearsals or shows... but I don't know that we would have hung out all that much. Who knows. I guess that's something that we'll never know. But this is what I do know; I would much rather not hang out with him or really see him, but him still be with us, then him be gone. I was handling the other way so much better than I'm handing this lol. I miss you, Zachary.

In slightly less sad thoughts, I was looking at pictures of people on facebook that I am no longer friends with/not in touch with (aka fb stalking lol). It's really weird how much of a different path people take. I have had a pretty good "young adult" life. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming and the accomplishments I've made. I was looking at pictures of a girl I marched with my first year at Pacific Crest. We looked a lot alike, but I was older by 2 years. She was always "prettier" than me, and she's still pretty, but wow... oh how I judge lol. She's definitely bigger than me. I'm not liking how "big" (and I use that term VERY loosely) I am now, but this girl used to be a stick like me and she has some curves now (I'm being nice... she's not fat by any means, but she's not a twig anymore for sure). Almost ALL of her pictures are with a cup or bottle in her hand. If I'm not mistaken her 21st birthday isn't until THIS March... it's just really weird to think that we "looked alike" and people thought we were twins at one point, but she is like bazarro me. Then a girl from high school added me on facebook today. She was a year younger than me, her and her twin and older sister were all in guard with me. Yeah, she's definitely married and has a kid. The other twin is a normal college student. But like, WOW. I spent a lot of today helping my mom clean the house while watching Teen Mom on MTV and when I looked at this girl's facebook I felt like I was watching another episode. I started imagining myself in their lives... I appreciate my life lol. I mean, I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but just the thought of being married with a kid AT MY AGE is crazy. I feel like I'm just figuring out what I want out of my life, how could I figure out what to do for a little person? I don't know, it was interesting. And yeah, the party girl, definitely not me. I will get drunk, but it's on RARE occasion. And people who would read this know that if I've gotten drunk lately (lately being December) it's had to do with the paragraph above this one.

So, I'm just kind of writing about everything right now. I don't have time to blog much anymore, so I kind of need to get stuff out.

I hate to admit it, but I miss Noah. I miss him so much I hate myself. Seriously, WHY?!?! If I KNOW he's a douche bag and not worth my time, why do I want to call him? I haven't and won't, but the fact I want to bothers me SO much. Ever so often I'll look up his facebook to see things. Every picture I see I can tell now if he's high or not. 90% of his new ones are. It still bothers me that he spends so much of his time high. Seriously, why!? I'll admit I tried it (because of him), but I didn't really see the point. (Sidenote, When the PC booth at Los Altos was being planned and Zach asked me to help him out, I was actually looking forward to telling him about it to see his reaction lol. I don't think he would've believed me.) As much as I want to talk to Noah, my rational thoughts are too in control to let me actually pick up the phone. I swear, him telling me I was using Zach's death for attention was Zach's way of helping me let go. Noah may have stopped talking to me because of Brad, but I had already stopped talking to him... I just stopped responding after that. It's like a lightbulb went off. Thanks for waking me up, Zach. Whether or not it's really Zach's doing (because I know he hated Noah, and just a few weeks before at the golf tournament he called me out on it) but I like to think it was. I've had people tell me for YEARS he's not worth it and it was like this situation made me believe it. Yet I still miss him. But I established before, I miss who he used to be. He's not the same drum corps loving, guitar playing geek who wrote songs about me and told me he loved me all the time. That boy doesn't exist anymore. But then again, the girl he loved doesn't exist anymore either.

Things are changing so fast it feels like. I'm ridiculously busy. I feel like time is going super fast and slow at the same time. I hardly talk to anyone anymore except for Annie and Lealta people. I'm always busy with something, yet I'm ahead despite procrastinating. I'm just... I don't know. I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I had said before (I forget if this was in a conversation to someone or in a blog) that I purposely made my life too busy for a boyfriend, yet I'm finding myself lately really wanting one. I had an almost boyfriend in Brad, but I'm so afraid of commitment (and it just didn't feel right) that at the first signs of it I freak out. I don't know. Maybe it was because Valentine's just passed, or how lately I've been hearing a little more about Olivia and Jeremy and marriage... yeah... or just marriage in general. I have A LOT of friends who are engaged and several who are married already. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to end up an old maid, my students will be my children... That bothers me. I thought for a split second that I might like Brad still, but I just think that since he was the last boy I liked and Noah isn't around to be the "place holder boy," I was thinking that... I don't know. I swear I hate being a girl sometimes, all this lovey dovey stuff is crap yet I'm sucker for it just as much as the next girl. I think I may have written enough for the night.

<3

Too Frustrated For School

2010-02-02T18:47:00.000-08:00

I should be doing homework. I worked hard to try to be somewhat ahead but it's falling to the wayside. I'm too frustrated over stupid shit right now to do anything. I want to vent to my best friend about it, but right now she's going through a really hard time, so I figure I need to step back and be the listener for her and just blog my frustrations out here.

So It's been about 3 months since Zach died. 12 weeks as of Friday and 3 months on the 13th (duh). Since then I haven't really talked to Noah. We stopped talking over a little thing I posted on Twitter about Brad.

Too bad that turned out to be nothing more than a crush.

Too bad that wasn't the real reason we stopped talking.

That was when Noah stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to him well before that. By well, I mean like a week or so before. He said I was using Zach's death to get attention. If I did that, I wasn't doing it intentionally, but looking back I can almost see where he would get that idea from. So we haven't talked since Thanksgiving. That's not a super long time, but long enough. I have thought about talking to him a few times since we stopped talking, but I've had a few friends that have talked me out of it. It's hard for my not to talk to him. As much as I'm angry over the person he's become, I still wish that he was the boy I fell in love with. I still care about him and think about him often. But I know that we're two VERY different people now and that any idea I had over the last year about us having a future was immature and childish.

But even though I feel this way, I still can't help but miss him. I went through the trouble of blocking him on every social network possible (myspace, facebook, twitter...) but he did nothing more than "unfriend" me. So I still check up on him from time to time, knowing that he will not be able to see things I do. It kills me that I'm still so possessive and jealous for no reason. He hasn't been "mine" for 4 years... seems like a lot longer. 4 years, yet when I see mention of Melissa (aka Alabama Girl who he met on myspace and he was with after me, who now goes to UofM with him) I get SUPER jealous. As jealous as a girlfriend. But that is NOT what I am. I'm a jealous ex-girlfriend. I hate admitting it, but that's what I am. I've been one for a while. It bothers me. I don't want to be the jealous ex.

It doesn't make sense.

I'm happy with how things are right now. Sure, there are times when I want a boyfriend, but I've kind of made myself purposely too busy to have one. One of the things I've taken form Zach's death was that I need to live my life a little more. I've been on such a set path, that I feel like I missed out on some important things. Recently RBG answered one of those Social Interview things on my facebook, and it asked if I was a risk taker. He said "Sorry, no." Which is true, but my idea of "risk" is different than other people's. The big "risk" I'm taking right now is winter guard. Something I basically SWORE I wouldn't do. I have never been a fan. But Lealta is different. I love it. I guess I just don't like high school winter guard. The risk is, I have school. I have A LOT going on with school. Its a big challenge.

I'm not a real risk taker. I wish I was, but I'm okay with not being one. I'm definitely the "rather safe than sorry" type. I still take a jacket with me EVERYWHERE, even in summer, "just in case." I don't know how to be a risk taker. The times I've tried to be one, I've just been stupid. And usually drunk.

So to get back to my point, I'm happy without a boyfriend. I've been with so many boys, me being single is important to me. Everyday I find out a little more about the person I am and the kind of person I do want to be with. Do I still worry about finding "the one"? Sure, but I'm not that stressed to find him that I try to force every boy I date to fit into the mold, even if it's plainly obvious he's not the guy.

That's how I feel about Noah.

I feel like I've been trying to make him fit into a mold of what I want. I've over looked things that bother me and come up with excuses for him. I'm done being "that girl" (ask me sometime for the "scientific" difference between "this guy/girl" and "that guy/girl"). I'm just so... done.

But I still miss him.

I'm a walking paradox. No joke, I almost picked up my phone a little while ago and text him that I was pissed off with this situation. I would have been an angry and pathetic "I hate you, but I miss you" text. As I picked up my phone I got a text message from Annie. I had to swallow the self-centered crap and remember that I really don't have any problems right now. It reminded me that I need to be there for other people too, and not just complain all the time. So instead of an angry/pathetic text to a boy not worth my time, I sent a long text to me friend trying to help her. I know that Zach would approve.

Another Stream of Consciousness

2009-12-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

I'm bored and kind of irritated, so I'm going to just type some random things that come to mind. Sound good?

I’m really frustrated with Olivia right now. I love her, I do. But I really don’t want to hang out with her tomorrow. She wants to go to the mall to find a dress for her recital. And that’s cool, but it’s not really fun to go to the mall when it’s crowded, like it is now, and especially when you don’t have any money. Does it make me a bad sister that I don’t want to hang out with her? I felt the same way today and yesterday with Michael. He wanted to play Halo all Christmas, but I was into my own stuff. Then today I tried to play with him but I just complained the entire time because the game was giving me a headache and I didn’t quite get how to play. I feel like a bitch. But I know that if I do it out of guilt it’s just as bad because I’ll be mopey and complaining the entire time, ruining it for everyone else. I don’t know. I love my family but I just want to be away from them anymore. I don’t like being at home very much. My parents know that I’m miserable living at home. My dad says that shows that they did something right raising me, because I should want to move away, but it breaks my mom’s heart. I don’t know. I’m just really restless not having anything to do or really any place to go.

Annie was telling me this story earlier about why she doesn’t have many friends at LMU, and I could really relate to one part. She said that she could tell that these other people were more friends with her friend than her, because they’d always call her friend and stuff like that. I definitely feel that way anymore with PC people. I always hear about things through Annie, hardly ever do I get texts from people about stuff. Like the club thing the other night, until Annie said something, I knew nothing about it. I know that I could text people and stuff, but I guess I’m still REALLY shy in some respects. I want to break away from that so much, I really do, but it’s just scary, I guess. I don’t know if people really like me or not. Like, I feel like some people just put up with me being there. I don’t always feel wanted at PC things. I hate it, because those people really are my closest friends. It sucks.

I’ve had a headache for the last few days. I thought at first I was just SUPER hung over after the club, but it’s definitely migraine status since it’s been 3 days and it only goes a way for short periods of time. Since my Aunt died from a brain hemorrhage, or something like that relating to a migraine, it worries me. I know that my mom used to get migraines at my age from her birth control, but I wasn’t on birth control when I started getting mine. I think I’ve only been getting them for like, a year, if that. My mom was even hospitalized for a migraine. It really scares me that I’ll either have a hemorrhage or go to the hospital for a headache.

So I made a “January 2010” playlist, even though it’s still December 2009, consisting of some of my favorites and some new stuff that I downloaded from this awesome place… it’s 252 songs long… some I’ve never heard before lol. So I have it on shuffle right now. Heart of Love – John Mayer came on and I definitely started crying even though I went almost the entire day without crying. I more so teared up than cried, but still… ugh. So close.

Probably Tuesday, Annie and I are going to visit Kevin down in San Diego area for the day. Should be fun. I was trying to remember how to get to his house and I remembered once I got off the freeway, but couldn’t remember all the freeways to take there. So I got on goggle maps to check it out, then I did street view to get the approximate address. It was really weird that I could still remember which house was his, not like the address but just the look. It’s really weird to think that this time a few years ago I was just starting to talk to him. It’s really crazy. I just had all these flashbacks to going to his place and stuff and it was just interesting. Kinda weird that I’m going down there again, but it’s kind of to say good bye, since I’m not sure if I’ll see him again before he leaves for Orlando.

I love that some songs of the power to just make everything better. The song I’m listening to at the moment, Midnight Coward – Stars, it’s just one of those songs that I can’t help but be in a good mood when I listen to. I’m too emotional for no good reason right now. Every song I hear is influencing my emotions. I’m trying to listen to all the new ones I have but shuffle keeps going to old favs… like right now it just changed to Heartbeats – Jose Gonzalez. Definitely in my top 10 favorites, if not top 3 [since The Funeral – Band of Horses is obviously number 1].

My head is definitely hurting big time. I keep seeing lines EVERYWHERE! What the hell?! I think I'm going "photosensitive" again. That's when light fucks me over. Ugh. I don't want to have to take my medicine. I've been avoiding it at all costs today. I did that yesterday too. I don't have that many left, but I know that if I have a headache, I should take it or something... ugh.

This new song I'm listening to is pretty good... Ugly On The Inside - Owen. Pretty good. Hallucinations - Angels and Airwaves isn't bad either, though I still prefer Blink-182.

Well, I think that’s all for now. I just needed to vent/bitch a bit… I’m better now… Maybe I should read or something since my head isn't taking to the computer too well right now...

What You've been missing...

2009-12-06T13:23:00.001-08:00

I haven't really posted anything on here lately, and I really feel that I should have been instead of posting things on Facebook or Myspace... so I've decided to paste in some of the thing I've written. It's been pretty tough these last few weeks... and just when I think things are finally kind of okay again, something reminds me that it's not. Like last night at Championships. As I'm sitting there for like 4 hours with Courtney in Hospitality, with a lot of the staff from Los Altos, I kept waiting for him to come in. I could picture the entire scene in my head. He'd sit on the other side of Courtney, we'd make small talk, joke about "pre-auditions"... When Ducky would come hug me for a little too long, whispering some joke about him, he'd just shake his head... then when we got scores and see that Cal beat Los Altos [which is reality, btw], Courtney would probably rub it in his face a little, but he'd still gloat about the fact that they beat us in visual... It just didn't feel right for him not to be there. I didn't have my glasses on so I didn't notice it at first, but Courtney noticed right away that Los Altos still had their ribbons on their uniforms. It made me really happy. But, I digress, I should start by posting stuff. I'm obviously going to start with the first thing I wrote, a letter to Zachary. I think I will be writing another one really soon.

Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:11 AM

Dear Zachary
Current mood: numb
Dear Zach,

I don't even know where to begin. When I got the phone call this morning, I didn't want to believe it. I still don't want to believe it. I just talked to you a few nights ago. You had asked me to help out with the Pacific Crest info booth, and while I said I would in a very nonchalant way, I was really super excited you asked and really looking forward to seeing you and spending time with you. You are [I refuse to use the past tense] one of the best people I have ever met. It was only in the last few months that we had started really acting like friends since we broke up, but it meant the world to me to have you back at least as a friend. To know that you're gone is beyond heartbreaking.

I have so many stories and things I want to say. Like tonight, at the Los Altos football game, I saw the field and the first thing I thought of was the rehearsal before Sneak Preview. Sabre line had to set up the sound system and I refused to plug it in because of a big spider in the thing covering the outlet, so I went to you and asked you to do it and you gave me so much crap for being scared of a bug. I thought about the day we left for tour this year. It was my birthday and you knew I was scared to death of flying and even though you never asked me directly, I over heard you asking other people if I was okay and to tell me to breathe. I keep thinking about about all the times we hung out after rehearsal this year. Like that night at Denny's after an APU rehearsal... I still have that bunny from the claw machine in my car. Annie has promised to take it out on the ageout field this summer. We always joked that it was going to replace you as front field, and since you can't be on that field to ageout, the bunny will be there for you. Or how at Royal Oak, you realized you didn't have my number anymore and when you entered me into your phone again you put me as "Pookie." I still don't know if you did that for real, I'm assuming you didn't, but it still made me laugh and blush a little bit. But one of the most meaningful things I keep replaying in my head, was that night at Pat's. It was like 6am and you were sitting across the room from me, but you text me to say you were sorry for how you acted and for any awkwardness that was between us. I was so surprised you sent that and I still am. I was so lucky to know you and I'm having such a hard time dealing with the fact you're gone.

I keep hoping this is some cruel joke. Like you're just sitting at home waiting to pop out and say "got you!" but I know that's not going to happen. I really haven't cried a lot today. I think it was about a half hour after Stuart called before I really cried. I was at Cal, trying to watch the video of their perform from Thursday, and I would just lose it and have to go outside and cry. After that, I refused to let myself cry anymore. I just couldn't. It wasn't until about 2 hours ago, when Brad called and told me the details of what happened that I cried again. I've been crying almost non-stop since.

I hope and pray that you're in a much better place right now. I miss you so much and I wish I was able to tell you how much you meant to me. I am now, but I wish I had the chance sooner. Earlier tonight Brad tried to make me feel better by pointing out that the last time I talked to you, I made you happy. You seemed so excited to have me help Saturday and that I was actually getting a bunch of people to come help out. At least, that's what Brad keeps pointing out to me. I don't know how much I agree. I made you happy in that you wouldn't be working the booth alone, but still Brad has been trying to get me to see the bright side.

There really is no bright side right now. There will not be one day that I don't think about you. I already thought about you and looked to see if I saw your car in the Mt. SAC parking lot every time I went to school... Now I'm going to look but know I'm not going to see it. You were there for me during the absolute worst time in my life and helped me to see things from a different perspective. Though I didn't take your advice about it, I still kind of wish I did and I'm so thankful you opened up to me and let me know that I was okay. I don't know how to say this without sounding bad, but by being with you and you breaking up with me, you taught me how to be a stronger person. You always could explains things to me in a way I never thought about and some of those things are only beginning to make sense to me now. You are such an amazing person.

Seeing all the people that showed up tonight at the football game really made me feel warm inside. So many people got angry at the announcer for mispronouncing your last name and we all had things to say about you. You really are loved by so many people. Everyone has pointed out that for 99% of the people you touched that are still marching, they'll be marching 2010 for you. I think it'll go way beyond that. Because of how you influenced all of us, your memory will live on in people you never even knew. People aren't going to march just 2010 for you, there will be a piece of you marching every year for years and years to come. Your time with us was cut way too short, but you made great use of that time. I feel like anything I say right now has already been said or is a cliche. All I can do is speak from the heart right now and all my heart is screaming is why. Why did you have to go so soon? Why didn't we get to see you reach your full potential? It was clear you still had a lot to offer this world, it seems so unfair that we'll never get to experience it all.

I'm so angry and saddened at the same time. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so lost right now. I miss you, Zach. I miss you so much more than I ever thought I would miss you. I miss your stupid comments, how you would push me for no reason, your stupid faces.... I miss you. This is one of the hardest days of my life and as much as I'm struggling right now, I keep thinking that I should be making the most of my life because at least I'm still here... I really miss you. I love you and care so much about you, I hope that wherever you are now, you know that.

Thank you for being you and for being a part of my life, Zach. I just wish you were part of it for much longer than you were. You will be greatly missed and I don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, especially the next week. I love you.

<3 Samantha

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 8:53 PM

Racing

I know I should be writing my Anchor Assignment paper, but I just have too much on my mind right now & I need to get these things out before I scream.

Why do I not know how to deal with this? I'm not saying I, or anyone for that matter, should be an expert at dealing with grief, but why am I taking this so hard? Zach & I dated for about a month over a year ago. We we friends before that & we were starting to kinda be friends again, but I don't feel like I knew him as well as other people assume I did. I mean, there are plenty of things I talked to Zach about that not everyone knew, but not recently. There were things he told me that he said he didn't tell everyone, but who knows if he was telling me the truth. I know that probably sounds cynical or bitchy, but please just let me be the way I want to be right now.

I keep talking to him, and while sometimes I can hear his side of the conversation, I can't all the time. I wish I could hear his voice. I feel like I'm forgetting so much. Like what he sounds like, the stupid things he'd say... I tried for over an hour to get my old laptop to turn on so I could see if my old AIM chat logs were on there, just so I could read through my old conversations with him and try to remember him better... but the computer never turned on. I feel like it's pretty metaphorical... just like I'll never get to talk to him for real ever again, I'll never get to read those stupid conversations.

Noah called me an attention whore the other day. I was completely devastated when he said that. He said that I was using Zach to get attention. Really?! I'm sorry you're a jerk who doesn't know how many people cared about Zach [because I was certainly not the only one posting things about him online] and think that I'd really have something to gain from any of this. If I'm trying to get anything, it's just comfort. I keep second guessing myself though, like maybe he's right. I keep asking Zach what he thinks but each time I get a different response from him. I see people who I think were much closer to him than I was & they seem okay. Upset, obviously, but okay. I'm such a fucking roller coaster right now. I'm up, I'm down... right now I'm spiraling down.

I haven't cried at all today. Not once. I keep thinking about him and little things and... I just can't cry. My eyes feel so swollen and dry and heavy. I haven't slept much lately & when I do sleep it's the kind of sleep where you wake up feeling like all you did was close your eyes. I have so much school work to do, and it's important stuff. But it doesn't matter. I can't keep my attention to anything but him for more than a few moments. I swear I had to read my prompt for my paper at least 20 times before I wrote a single thing.

& the other reason I feel so selfish, I keep depending on so many other people. I can't deal with things alone. I have had SO many people tell me that before. I really didn't agree until now. Even Zach told me that. When we broke up he said a big part of it was because I couldn't get over things quickly and he didn't know how to deal with that because he did. & even now I can hear him say that I'm dwelling on stuff I shouldn't be. & I know I am.... but it's just so hard. I keep trying to talk to people & I don't know how many have said that they're here if I just need a shoulder or something, and every time I talk to them I just feel like I'm being selfish. Everyone is grieving right now and I need to learn how to do it alone... as horrible as this sounds, there are only a handful of people that I really want to talk to right now, and every time I talk to them, even after they ask me if I'm ok, I feel like I'm intruding, like I'm not letting them grieve because I need help to do it.

Sooo that thing about not crying, scratch that... I just read something on RBG's facebook that Zach's dad wrote & I started tearing up.

Ugh, I'm out of steam... Still so any many emotions, but no energy.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009 11:48 AM

Thanksgiving
Current mood: thoughtful
I feel like I should write something about what I'm thankful for, seeing as we're almost to the holiday for giving thanks, but I really don't think I could. I have a million things to do today, including writing at least one of my many papers, but I can't really do that right now. I have been having a very hard time focusing for the last week and a half, which is understandable, I guess. It still doesn't seem real, I still have moments where I'll randomly start to cry because something reminds me of him or what happened. I still don't want to accept it. Thanksgiving will mark one week from the Memorial... That was one of the hardest days of my life and even after that day I don't want to believe any of this. As much as Zach and I weren't extremely close anymore, I still cared so much about him and we were still close in some ways. I keep beating myself up for taking so long to stop being awkward around him and moving past that to being friends. I wish we could have been friends longer... And tomorrow is Thanksgiving... I keep thinking about how much it will hurt his family to not have him there. I never got to meet any of his family, and I still wish I did, but I'm sure that their holidays will never be the same without him. None of us will ever be the same without him. I'm actually dreading tomorrow for that reason. I know that I will have my family all around me, but how can I be happy when I know that his won't have him? I know I should be thankful for the things I have and for having the chance to have had Zach in my life, but I don't know, I guess I'm not really looking on the upside right now.

My emotions, thoughts... everything has been up in the air lately. I don't know which way is up and which is down. For the last few months I've become friends with someone, and we've become really close. I talk to them almost every day and they are one of the few people who can actually make me happy right now. Obviously, everything that has happened since November 13, 2009 has brought us, as well as everyone in Pacific Crest, closer together. This scares me. I feel like a little girl writing this, because it's been so long since I've felt this way, but I'm starting to really like this guy. The last person I officially dated was Zach and we broke up over a year ago... I know a couple people, probably even Zach himself, would argue that I've basically been with Noah ever since, but I don't agree with that. So basically, the last time I felt this way, it was for Zach. I guess it makes me weird, but I like saying that Zach was my last boyfriend and my last crush... and even though I'm starting to feel the way I do for this guy, I don't want to let go of those things... if that makes any sense. Plus, I'm scared I'm feeling the way I do as a way to distract myself from the pain I'm feeling. I really don't want that either because I don't want to hurt anyone. So I'm a little lost. I keep talking to Zach and asking him for some advice, but obviously it's a little hard for me to hear his answer... which is too bad because he really was great at advice... I needed to write something because whenever I have a hard time with something, writing helps. I've been talking to Annie a lot, and Zach, but I haven't really talked to many people about this. I've barely even talked to the guy about it, and when I have it's been very vague or coated in sarcasm. I feel like I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, especially since I don't know how they feel about me. I'm trying really hard not to rush anything, since I'm pretty sure that played a part in the failure of a lot of my relationships... probably most of all with Zach. So yeah, I don't know what else to say. I wish that I could just get away and sit with someone and talk... but one of the people I want to sit and talk with I can only talk to in my thoughts, another one lives too far away and the other one I'm scared to talk to...

I guess I should either get ready for class or do something productive. If you actually read this, thank you. If I'm thankful for anything this Thanksgiving, it's my amazing friends.

Saturday, November 28, 2009 2:41 AM

The Heart of Life
Current mood:emotional
Tonight was a good night. I went with Mark into the Valley to see Annie's football game. It felt good to see PC people... There were a few times I wanted to start crying while driving with Mark, but I kept it together. That was the first time since November 13th that I've been able to drive the 60 East without balling, but the drive home was a little different. Along the 1ish hour drive, Mark & I did a lot of talking, which was lots of fun... & naturally the conversation turned to Zach more than once. As we were talking about him, & I came EXTREMELY close to losing it, the song "The Heart of Life" came on. I've heard this song a few times before, but right now... idk, it just felt like the perfect song for the moment. Now, I can't stop listening to it... or crying.

I think my mom put it best a few days after everything happened... this is my first real experience with loss. I still don't know how this whole grieving process works. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. When I feel like I should be "okay," I'm completely depressed, usually crying or trying really hard not to... or when I actually do feel okay, I feel like I should be sad. It's been 2 weeks... correction, just over 2 weeks, & I still really don't believe any of it. Is that normal? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm constantly talking to/arguing with Zach in my head. I'm usually a quiet person but lately if I'm quiet, I'm talking to him. The other day for Thanksgiving I actually had to ask my mom to tell the rest of my family not to ask me if I was "okay" or "what happened" because I couldn't take it. Guess what? They still did. It was innocent but it was too hard to deal with. I love my family, but I haven't been able to talk to them about any of this. My mom is a little heartbroken that I won't talk to her about it, but I just can't. The only people I feel comfortable talking to about Zach, are people who knew him. My parents met him, like, twice. They didn't know him, they don't know how amazing he was or how important he was to me. Hell, I didn't realize how important he still was to me until...

So right now, I'm listening to "The Heart of Life" on repeat, sitting alone in my livingroom, crying. Awesome, I know. I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. It really freaking sucks. I still haven't done much to be productive school-wise... I need to... ugh... I can't focus, my emotions are all over the place. It makes me really grateful that I have someone I can talk to that doesn't think I'm crazy. I have quite a few someone's like that, but I'm really referring to the one person I've been talking to till all hours of the night for the last week... Right now, he's trying to cheer me up by saying I'm controlling the weather, & that my crying is making it rain. It's so stupid, but cute...

Thanksgiving was an interesting day... In that one day he admitted to liking me [& knowing that I liked him even tho I've been too scared to actually say it] & I lost contact with someone who claimed to never leave my life, whether I wanted them to or not. Who would've thought that posting something on Twitter would cause so much drama? & the funny thing is, I'm more scared & upset than ever. I just lost Zach, who I didn't realize I still cared so much about... I'm kind of losing Kevin because he's moving to the other side of the country & he already lives too far away just being in San Diego... I lost Noah a long, long time ago & even tho he has continued to tell me he loves me, even tho I won't say it back, I never knew he still cared that much to be so upset & stop talking to me over something as silly as me liking another guy. He always made it very clear that we wouldn't have a long distance relationship & I told myself I wouldn't wait for him, because who am I kidding? That boy uses me as his California hook up. I hate it, & it's my own fault. I want someone to care about me so much, I actually listen to him... But I just stopped believing him after he claimed I was using Zach's death to get attention & it never occurred to me that I actually meant anything to him.... & then there's this guy I'm texting [which most people who'll read thing know who it is]. I keep apologizing for being crazy or coming off too strong, but the guy doesn't seem to be scared away... yet anyway. I mean, from what my sources have told me, this guy doens't like taking people back to his home town, yet a few days ago he was telling me he already planned to take me there. I guess that kind of says something... he also said that even though he likes me & I like him, it doesn't mean he knows what to do with the situation [that sounds so 6th grade, it's not even funny]... so this is why I'm scared. Ugh, boys are confusing. Can't live with them & obviously I can't live without them...

I've been sitting here for probably an hour writing this... I'm still listening to the song & the crying has become on&off instead of continuous. He's still texting me, trying to make me feel better, it's not really working but it does help. I really really wish Zach was here right now. [I've told people this story a lot lately, but I don't care] Just before we left for tour, I was really upset over something Noah did or said, & I just could not stop crying... I just sat down in a ball, my head on my knees, & cried [I know, I cry A LOT]. He sat down next to me & asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to say... I've noticed that if there is anything all my exes have in common, other than dating me, they all hate Noah. So I didn't want to say anything. Especially because I thought Zach would tease me for liking Noah again. So I shrugged. I thought that was that, he'd get up & leave me alone. Not Zach. He made himself comfortable & said "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." & I'm going to be completely honest, I kinda smiled when he said that. I hadn't spent much time with him alone since we started being "friends" again, so I was happy. So I just cried. He stayed there. At some point I told him that he didn't have to stay there & asked "don't you have drum major stuff to do?", which he said he knew but he wanted to & that "that's what Mark's for." He started trying to push me over, to get me to crack a smile. I think he tried to tickle me too. I finally did but I still didn't say anything. & It was like, Zach already knew. He said that Noah wasn't worth it, or something like that. & eventually I got up... I still don't remember if I said "thank you" to him or not. If I didn't, Thank you Zachary. Thank you so much.

It's 3:48... if you go by the time in the news reports, Zach has been gone for 2 weeks, 24 hours and 10 minutes. It doesn't seem real... I need to stop with this crying, it's late & I have so much to do when I wake up... good night. I love & appreciate you, please know that. I'm making sure all the important people know that, because I didn't get the chance to tell Zach that...

2009-10-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

Rain! Gasp! Oh Fall in Southern California…

Today was not the greatest of days.

I had to stay up all night working on a group project and other homework, not getting to sleep until 2am. Then, though I had planned to sleep until 9, I get called by the district to sub, which is doubly upsetting since A) I couldn’t sub because we were meeting today to work on our project and B) I was so freakin’ tired. Since I have a hard time going back to sleep once I’ve been woken up, I just stayed up… did I mention that this was just before 7am? So I drank some coffee [caffeinated beverage #1] and ate the last little bit of Olivia’s pumpkin cake. I was pretty annoyed when AGAIN the Internet decided not to work [like it is currently doing. I am writing this in Word to be cut and pasted later.], and when I finally gave up on it and decided to take a shower, my lovely sister, who had all morning to get into the bathroom, decided that was when she wanted to brush her teeth and do other bathroom things, and she needed to get in there because she had to leave for school in 10 minutes [which was probably 25 by the time she got finished making and eating her breakfast, using the bathroom and leaving].

I finally got my shower, then sat around anxiously not sure of what to do with so much free time in the morning. I finally got the internet to work and found that one of the members of my group was withdrawing from the class. Could you have mentioned that more than 2 hours before we’re supposed to meet to go over everything? Or better yet, don’t withdraw until next week! Ugh, so frustrating… I hate group projects. I left for school, to find that the temperature gage on my car, which has decided to interfere with my speedometer, had pushed itself even farther the wrong way to keep my speedometer at 0 mph. I pulled over, played with the circuits, but nothing was working. I start to drive again, feeling defeated, only to get a call from the Social Studies dept. head at Cal High. So I pulled over, again, so I could call and not worry about driving, since it is the law and all… At least that was a minor win for the day. I should find out by Friday what 3 teachers I will be doing my observation hours with at Cal High. BUT that is technically a fail as well since I’m supposed to be turning my Teacher Verification form on Thursday [just a thing that says the teacher I’ll be observing has their credential in the subject they teach. The school has already said that all of their social studies teachers are credentialed in social studies but if I don’t have a specific teacher yet, they really can’t fill out this form for me].

Got to school early, but parking was crappy… one of the many advantages of having many of my classes at night; I don’t have to deal with parking problems very often. I walked to Starbucks and got some coffee [caffeinated beverage #2], finding the guy in my group, Huyen, was already there. So I sat with him and tried to talk with him about the assignment, to which he immediately telling me how things would be. Um, I’m sorry, I thought that this was a GROUP project and therefore everyone in that group would get to contribute. Turns out that Mr. Leader hadn’t even finished everything he said we should have done for this meeting. We sat there for forever waiting for the other 2 members of our group. After about an hour Huyen got up, acting pretty rude about it, and said he’d be right back. A few minutes later I saw the other girls in the group. We talking about what we wanted to do, I told them about the other girl who was leaving the class and we thought that we had worked everything out we would need to do for Thursday. This took about half an hour… Huyen was not there for any of it. He just didn’t come back. I was sitting there with his laptop and backpack… it was weird. FINALLY he returned and decided that we had LOTS more do to. We went through his little tyrannical preparations, which I was surprised that I stood up to him and didn’t get submissive about everything [mini-win?]. Once everything was said and done I went through some text messages while I was walking back to my car. I had text Noah after hearing from Cal High about observation hours, asking if his dad could pick him up if I couldn’t. He said no, to which I responded that there was a chance that I may not be able to pick him up. I didn’t say how likely a chance. I also decided to text Brad to see if he was at Mt. SAC and wanted to get lunch since I was in the area [oh, and I had gotten an email from my Tuesday prof saying he was sick and class was cancelled, so I didn’t have to sit around for hours like I had expected.]

First I get a frantic phone call from Noah telling me that he was just going to find someone else to pick him up. Of course, as much as I’ve been playing the game, I panicked. I know that he’s only going to be in California for a few days and that he has a lot of people that he wants to see, some more than me apparently since he makes plans with other people before making any time for me, but I digress. I was really looking forward to picking him up from the airport. I miss him much, much more than I like to admit. I wanted to be the first person he saw from home. Plus, as I told Annie, I was going to see if he kept to something he had said. He told me the other night, which I know for a fact he was a little drunk at the time and possibly a little high as well, that he didn’t care who saw he just wanted to kiss me. I wanted to see if he kept to that.

SO, back to the phone call. He tells me he’ll just have someone else pick him up but that I could still get lunch with him if I’m not too busy. I told him that I could still get him, there was just a very small chance that I could start my observation hours on Friday, but it’s a very small chance. He still insisted that he could get someone else. I was already tired and cranky so I just snapped. I told him “whatever, I shouldn’t have said anything. I can pick you up.” I don’t remember if he said something about still looking for someone else or if he asked if I was sure… I kind of hung up after that. So as I attempted to drive in the misty rain, without a speedometer, I sent him 2 texts with a 25-minute gap between them. The fist one said, “If you decide you’d rather have someone else pick you up, let me know soon. I shouldn’t have said anything & I’m still planning on getting you unless you rather me not.” The second text, after I had calmed down some and the fear of losing my only guaranteed chance of seeing him, said, “& for the record I was/am really looking forward to picking you up since it may be the only chance I have to see you. I wanted to be the 1st person from home you saw.” So since he’s such an AWESOME guy [sarcasm], he hasn’t responded to any of these texts. Oh boys…

Went to Cal’s rehearsal since I didn’t have class. Taught the flag line more of the closer. It’s pretty easy work and it’s already semi-clean; yay for cutting & pasting the fight song routine! The rain was an issue, we were constantly moving around. Jen sat the kids down for a heart-to-heart. Hopefully they change their attitudes. I really don’t know why things are so difficult with this freshman/newbie class. Thought I was going to get jumped walking to my car…

But yeah… not the greatest day. I have a lot to do tomorrow but I’d rather get some semblance of sleep tonight and stay up tomorrow night since I can sleep in Thursday. Well, that’s the end of my rant for the night. It’s almost midnight & I’m about to pass out.

Au Revoir

2009-10-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

It has been forever since I've written anything & while I would love to write a nice long update, it's late & I don't really have the time or patience for that right now.

Basically I don't know what to do. I love Noah still, whether I'll always openly admit it or not. I don't want to be. I wish with every fiber of my being that I wasn't. I would love nothing more than to just be like, "he's turned into someone completely different, he doesn't even call, he doesn't say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' unless prompted or drunk/high, he criticizes me for being upset with his drug use, he doesn't have time for me [not that I have time for him], he expects me to fit to his schedule, he won't say 'I love you' to me if there are others around but gets upset if he knows I do the same. He frequently asks for dirty pictures because 'he misses me' & 'isn't getting any'... he's not worth the ground I walk on. & to top it off he's on the other side of the country & this is the last time he will come home for a year [at least]." I don't want to be some after thought. I don't want to be the girl he just calls because he's crossfaded & driving. I don't want to always be calling him or waiting for his call. I don't want to be that girl. I hate that girl.

So why is it so hard? Typing it out was easy. I could have gone on & on about why I shouldn't love him. But that has no effect on the fact that despite it all I still care about him very, very much. He's still the boy I will always be hung up on. He's still my "first love." The one I call crying when something is wrong, who will [usually] listen & tell me everything will be okay. He's still the one who almost hopped a plane back to California when he found out what happened to me last August, who drove 3 hours to watch me perform this past July. He's still the one who can simply make me smile by seeing his name on caller ID, who I still get butterflies from when they hold my hand. He's still the only one I let call me Sammy [Not Sammy Sue, there's a big difference with me]. But he's also the one who lets me down the most, who I stay on FB for, hoping that I'll catch him & get to at least say "hi." He's still the one I know has so much talent, yet openly admits to being high every time her performs. Who is right now on FB, & even tho I need to be up very soon I'm still hoping for the off chance he'll IM me because I miss him so much, God knows why, but I'm too proud to IM him myself.

Maybe it's just the time of year. Fall is my favorite season but I hate being "alone" during the Fall. It was Oct. 2nd 2004 that Noah & I started dating, Nov. 19, 2001 I got my first boyfriend, Sept. 17, 2003 I started dating Billy... if you can't see the trend, it's like my season of "mourning." Part of the reason I think I was so drawn to History as a major was because I dwell on things. I know I shouldn't & I do my best not to, but I still do it, like other things lol. So, because I dwell so much on the past, I think that subconsciously I always feel sad during my favorite time of the year because I think of what started during the Fall & no longer exists. I have SO much to be happy about, & even the other night I went to sleep smiling simply because I am well on my way to my dream job. Next week I get to start spending time in an actual classroom. By 2011 I should have my prelim credential & able to get a job as a real, full-fledged teacher! This is so exciting. I have a ton to keep my buy between Anchor projects, observation hours, tons of reading, still teaching guard... I realistically have no time for a boyfriend. I've been single for over a year now, & I'm fine. I didn't spontaneously combust or fall to pieces... then why do I miss him so much? Why do I want to hug him & not let go? I'd love a boyfriend, but it's him I want & I desperately want not to want him.

I think I should finally go to sleep. But I just had to get this out of my system before I screamed.

Bon Soir

2009-09-06T01:37:00.001-07:00

It’s been awhile since I’ve done any late-night musings.

As I sit here reading Rhett Butler’s People, a sequel to Gone With The Wind written a few years ago which re-tells the classic from Rhett’s point of view, I started contemplating my own love life. What else would you expect me to write about? The story goes into how utterly in love Rhett was with Scarlett O’Hara; almost a love-at-first-sight sort of thing. At every turn his mocking words are laced with passionate love for the Irish girl from Georgia. The key is, that if you’ve read GWTW you do not know until the very end, Rhett knows and understands that she will never love him as he loves her, though they are completely perfect for each other. One of my FAVORITE lines, “Some men could love without being loved in return. Rehtt Butler envied them.” So it’s not like he’s some brainless creature mooning after a girl who will never love him; he wants her to love him or he’ll do whatever it takes to not love her. This is why he constantly leaves Scarlett for long periods of time, turning his energy toward blockading, liquor and whores, in hopes that he will one day forget about Katie Scarlett [BTDubb, that’s her real name and I like it a lot... if I get a dog, I’m considering this name lol].

Other characters’ love lives are brought up in this tale as well. We see more into how conflicted Ashley Wilkes was between his adoring Melanie and the charms of Scarlett, who he really just wanted to sleep with quite honestly; he doesn’t realize how much he loved his wife until she dies, so sad. We also find out about Rhett’s little sister Rosemary, who becomes estranged from her husband after scandal and the death of their daughter, only for them to realize how much they need each other right before he is killed in battle. I apologize for how this is slowly turning into a book report, but if you haven’t caught the theme yet, realizing love too late is very prevalent in both books.

Now if I haven’t bored you to death yet, you’re probably wondering how I’m going to warp this to fit into my semi-non-existent love life. I’m not going to sugar coat, aka try to hide who I’m talking about, because quite honestly if you can’t figure it out, then you’re pretty dense. Anyone who is around me for a long enough period of time knows that as many boys as I’ve dated, as many times as I’ve tried to avoid him, no matter what I do or say, I’m pretty head-over-heels for Noah. Much like Scarlett O’Hara, I tried to avoid the fact I care about him as much as I do for quite some time. [Sidenote: in GWTW Scarlett does figure out she loves Rhett well before the end of the story, but she doesn’t let him know until he no longer loves her. Bummer, right?] Obviously, I’m not as successful as Scarlett in fooling myself. Now, you may think that with all this talk of realizing too late and unrequited love that I am not shown the same love in return from my debonaire guitarist in Tennessee. Alas, this is very much not the case. Though we’re not a couple, and I had one hell of a time explaining to those who saw my face light up the day I saw him in Murfreesboro that he wasn’t my boyfriend, we treat each other very amicably. The majority of our calls are bookended with an ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you.’ To say we talk everyday is a bit of a stretch, but every other day is more realistic. He tells me all about Rockasaurus Rex with the excitement of a 5-year old on Christmas morning, and he will listen to me talk about the monotony of life back in Whittier with a smile in his voice. I don’t know who I would be trying to fool if I said I didn’t wish with all my heart to be his girlfriend or see him everyday, but I’ve learned that these things are just not possible for the time being. And to say that I’m not completely jealous of every girl UofM, Rockasaurus groupie, or other female he speaks of would be a total understatement. It is with great deal of effort and faith that I am letting myself trust what he tells me.

I haven’t gotten to my point yet. I’m sorry, I’m a fan of story telling and I tend to get caught up in exposition. The point is, just as Scarlett realized too late that she loved Rhett, he realized after so long that he no longer loved Scarlett. I’m afraid of two scenarios: The first being Noah realizes he does not love be when the time does come for him to return to California, or that I will realize I do not love him before I see him again. Like I said, we’re not a couple in the common understanding. Generally speaking, and I guess I can only speak for myself, I’m not actively looking a boyfriend but I’m not “saving” myself for Noah either. Whatever happens, happens. Such a silly phrase, isn’t it? Of course whatever happens happens... but anyway, the way he talks it sounds as if he’s going about things the same way. I have proposed the dreaded idea of a long distance liaison, but that was quickly stifled. A girl can dream, right? He says he cannot afford the distraction or time for a girlfriend while in school, but I’m told that once he’s finished school and returned to the Golden State, I’m first in line for his heart. [I may have taken some creative liberties there, but that’s the gist of it.] So as I sit here half awake, listening to Arcade Fire while reading about Rhett Butler’s undoubting love for Katie Scarlett, verging on a migraine, I am thinking of these things.

Sidenote: IF we had remained a couple, a few weeks from now would be 5 years. Has anyone broken up with someone and still admitted to loving each other 5 years later? I feel sometimes like my life sounds like a story in itself...

2009-04-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

Hello, hello.

Been a while, again. Sorry 'bout that. I've not been the busiest person, but busy enough not to write any blogs. So I have decided to write a little different blog. This is one of those "for me" things. I recently made this "my favorite songs" playlists on iTunes. I'm always saying "that's my favorite song!" when I hear certain songs, so I actually put them all into a play list. Funny thing is, almost every song reminds me of something important... at least, important to me anyway. So I'm going to jot down basically the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the song... And I'm not going to sugar coat anyhting, most of these remind me of break ups haha. Lame, I know.

- Twenty Two Fourteen The Album Leaf
The apartment... I can't explain it more than that.

- Too Far Gone The All-American Rejects
When I dumped Billy. I don't remember exactly why though. That's just what comes to mind when I hear it.

- The Last Song The All-American Rejects
After I get dumped... I listen to this song and it empowers me... reminds me of how much of a dick [insert ex-boyfriend name here] was haha.

- Dance Inside The All-American Rejects
Eating Cup Noodles in my dorm at UCI.

- Passerby Allie Moss
This is a new one. So I guess I can say it makes me thing of now. I'm thinking of doing it for an I&E routine... if I don't chicken out haha.

- I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor Arctic Monkeys
Driving in the rain home from Irvine Winter Quarter 06. I would sing it at the top of my lungs. Lame, I know.

- The Boys of Summer The Ataris
Hey, I can laugh at myself. I totally have my boys of summer ;D lol

- The Funeral Band of Horses
OMG. This HAS to be in my top 5 favs. I think of SO much. Driving Turnbull Canyon at full speed in the pouring rain [I don't wanna talk about it], working at my dad's office making his website... many sleepless nights and early mornings driving to CostPlus... I HAVE to listen to it as loud as I can. Despite the fact it reminds me of not-so-great things, I always get a HUGE smile on my face and sing along at the top of my lungs.

- Blackbird The Beatles
Working at Carter's. This song ALWAYS played, but it wasn't the actual Beatles version.

- Walk of Shame College A Cappella Humor
PC Guard 05! We needed stretch music and Joy and Sharisse started singing this. Hilarious.

- Pathetic Blink-182
First thing I learned to play on guitar. I was 13 at the time, give me a break. I still love the song to this day. Don't Judge.

- Apple Shampoo Blink-182
Favorite Blink song.

- I'm Sorry Blink-182
High school...

- Untitled Blink-182
I listen to this song when I wanna tell an ex off... since I don't think I've ever really done it [correct me if I'm wrong]. Just one of those "I'm in a pissed off mood" songs.

- Carousel Blink-182
Old Favorite Blink song haha.

- 18th Floor Balcony Blue October
Summer 07. Laying on Adam's bed listening to this song over and over.

- Re: Stacks Bon Iver
So many things... most too personal to write.

- First Day of My Life Bright Eyes
This is my optimism song. Everytime I'm either sad and need a reminder that things aren't as crappy as I think or I'm in an EXTREMELY good mood, I listen to this song. Ukulele... how can you not find it optimistic?

- She Loves Everybody Chester French
Another current one. I remember showing Noah while he was home for spring break the music video of a girl kicking the shit out of the band...

- The Scientist Coldplay
A sad song... like most I like. I'm a depressing person apparently? haha.

- Life In Technicolor Coldplay
Driving to the Tonight Show with Noah. :]

- Lovers In Japan / Reign of Love Coldplay
Winter guard... not because someone did a show of it, but because I would listen to it as I drove to the shows.

- Fix You Coldplay
My ALL TIME FAVORITE! It's sad, it's happy... it's everything. It makes me think of MANY things, but the first memory is of driving to work at JC Penney the day after Christmas in 05. I got the CD for Christmas the day before. 2nd best Christmas gift that year... that's when I got my first iPod so that was number 1 haha.

- I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You Colin Hay
Garden State! And breaks... I love Colin Hay.

- Overkill (Acoustic Version) Colin Hay
That one Scrubs episode... and my brother. We both love that episode and song.

- Ice Dance Danny Elfman
Just makes me think of Christmas...

- Nature Boy David Bowie
Junior year. For the obvious, that it was in my field show that year, and the not to obvious...

- I Will Follow You Into The Dark Death Cab For Cutie
Laying away in my bed at the apartment

- A Lack Of Color Death Cab For Cutie
Another one in the top 5. Makes me thing of sitting on a dark beach at night [redundant, I know], in the rain crying... ignoring texts from 2 of my closest friends. Jan of 08... That was a VERY bad night for me.

- Disappear Dream Theater
The day Noah broke up with me. I remember it as clear as a bell. I sat on my bed for HOURS, refusing to do ANYTHING, just listening to this song on repeat. I even got out my guitar and tried to learn it just as a means of distracting myself. I can listen to it now and appreciated it for the great song that it is, but it took almost 2 years to get to that point... and to this day I still have a hard time listening to the full song because the memories rush back all too vividly.

- Octavarium Dream Theater
Watching Dream Theater DVDs with Noah in his living room. Let me tell you, watching music DVDs with Noah is an experience in itself haha.

- Under a Glass Moon Dream Theater
The first time I drove the freeway. Noah and I were going to my dorm room one Sunday morning... It's sad but I know where we were on the freeway too... it's also where he got the 341 for his YouTube account name... cuz we were commenting on how random a number it was... fyi, that's the amount you have to pay if you get a ticket for driving in the carpool lane illegally in the OC.

- The Glass Prison Dream Theater
Just one of my favorites of theirs... the Gigantour version, not the Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence one...

- Friday, I'm In Love Dryden Mitchell
Driving home from Irvine my first year.

- Hotel California Eagles
Driving along the Beach.

- Between The Bars Elliott Smith
Being sick on tour. Or, really when I got home.

- Miss Misery Elliott Smith
July - Dec 08... That was just a BAD time.

- The Way Fastball
Noah. I forget why though...

- Every New Day Five Iron Frenzy
Kevin told me to listen to this shortly after we broke up and it really helped me through it. It makes me feel better.

- Everlong ( ACOUSTIC ) Foo Fighters
PROM! I don't know how many times I've told this story, but I ditched my Senior prom to see the Foo Fighters. That's the condensed version. They were playing next door to prom and since prom was pretty damn lame, we decided to leave early. Listened to the end of their set from the parking lot as Noah and I waited for his mom to come get us. I know it's not the slowest song [espeically live] but we danced to Everlong in the parking lot. It made the night for me.

- All Will Be Well The Gabe Dixon Band
Another optimistic/makes me feel good song.

- Ninety Five Get Back Loretta
Driving to San Diego to see Get Back Loretta haha. I was stuck in a TON of traffic and this was one of the only songs of theirs I had on my iPod at the time, so I listened to it a bunch to get myself hyped to see them live.

- Girlface Get Back Loretta
My favorite of theirs. It's just pretty.

- Pretty Sogn Get Back Loretta
Valentine's Day 08. Kevin sent me a message at midnight with the lyrics. Very cute.

- Feel Good Inc. Gorillaz
Driving to Memorial Camp in 05. It was I think my 2nd rehearsal with PC [I actually filled a hole that year] I got a ride with Noah, and his parents. We stopped at the Spectrum on the way to Mission Viejo and got lunch. His dad had just gotten the CD so we listened to it on the way down. I also ended up buying said CD at the Mall of New Hampshire at the end of tour so I had something to listen to on the plane ride home haha. [way before I got an iPod]

- We Intertwined The Hush Sound
Driving along Hacienda Blvd.

- Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
How I really met Noah. Long story short, back before the days of MySpace and Facebook there was Xanga... shortly after my sister broke his heart, I was reading his sad posts, just out of curiosity and feeling sorry for the poor kid... and I may be entirely wrong, but that was the song playing on his Xanga when he started to get over her [at least in writing ;)].

- Goodbye My Lover James Blunt
Another after break up one... which is for self explanatory reasons.

- Casper: Casper's Lullaby James Horner
One of my favorite movies when I was little. I love it. It can sooth me when I'm down or just can't sleep.

- I'm Yours Jason Mraz
Beach days this past summer. Though now it just makes me think of one of our warm ups for PC this year haha.

- Know When to Walk Away Jay Clifford
Just a recent goodie.

- Hallelujah Jeff Buckley
Driving home from a random night trip to the beach with Noah.

- Gotta Be Somebody's Blues Jimmy Eat World
Making very stupid phone calls, that I knew I shouldn't have been making, while driving and emotional on the freeway... bad ideas all around.

- 23 Jimmy Eat World
Halloween 06. Drama! But I spent an enjoyable night with 2 great boys that made up for the crappy parts. :]

- The Middle Jimmy Eat World
My mom! When the song first came out on the radio she'd sing along and have the words completely wrong... then once we corrected her, she just kept singing them wrong because it aggravated Olivia hah.

- Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver
My Dad. :] He loves John Denver and this is one of my favorites.

- Theme (From "Jurassic Park") John Williams
Do I really need to explain? hahah

- Heartbeats José González
This past winter... just a good one.

- Winter Joshua Radin
Another in the Top 5... It reminds me of my first apartment... And the show Scrubs, obviously... But it just makes me feel better about myself [Lyrics say "I should know, who I am right now" but the guy doesn't know who he is... so it makes you feel better about not knowing what you want or who the real you is]

- One of Those Days Joshua Radin
Another self explanatory one.

- Sky Joshua Radin
I just love singing along to this one...

- Sundrenched World Joshua Radin
Tear jerker... just saying...

- What If You Joshua Radin
A tear jerker for personal reasons. Driving to and from Noah's after we'd broken up... sneaking in and out of windows :]

- What Goes Around.../...Comes Around Interlude Justin Timberlake
Karma's a bitch... just saying...

- Strong Enough Kina Grannis
Being sick on tour. Jen Lee let me use her iPod while I was stuck inside and I found this on there. I loved it. Turned out to help A LOT with some things that came shortly after.

- Superman Lazo Bane
If you don't know why, you fail.

- Astair Matt Costa
ShanLav! She told me about Matt Costa

- Monster Meg & Dia
Meeting Jamie from TWLOHA. They played at Fullerton that day.

- Built to Last Mêlée
Seeing Mêlée at the Glasshouse with Melania.

- Broken Heart Motion City Soundtrack
Seeing MCS at HOB with Melania... Plus, when isn't there a good time to listen to MCS? Just saying...

- L-O-V-E Nat King Cole
PC Guard 07. Sung it before almost every show. I still remember singing it at Semis... I was trying not to cry from all the emotions and excitement.

- Right Where It Belongs Nine Inch Nails
Puts things into perspective.

- Graustarkian Noah Hernandez
Yes, I have it on my iPod... Good song... though, I may be bias :P

- "What Happens in Vegas..." Pacific Crest
My favorite show... don't judge... [J.S. this year my trump it.]

- Ave Maria Pacific Crest
Should be obvious.

- I Caught Myself Paramore
- The Way Up: Part Three Pat Metheny Group
Noah's room at night. I still want to fall asleep instinctively when I hear it :]

- Life's a Song Patrick Park
Just saying...

- California Phantom Planet
The OC... not just the show...

- Penelope Pinback
Originally listened to it to impress a boy... ended up loving it. My favorite of theirs.

- Rise From The Ashes Quietdrive
One of my "empowering" post-break up songs.

- Let Me Sign (Bonus Track) Rob Pattinson
Yes, it's from Twilight, don't judge. I just really like it.

- New Slang The Shins
"You gotta listen to this song. It'll change your life, I swear..." :]

- Breathe Me Sia
Rain... I don't know why... just rain...

- The Night Starts Here Stars
A recent fav for many reassons.

- I Was Just Thinking Teitur
Another I got from Jen Lee's iPod while sick... after hearing it once, I knew Zach was going to break up with me. How I knew that, I don't know... but I kept trying to convince myself I was wrong until he proved me right haha.

- Roundabout Yes
Another in the Top 5... driving around getting lost with Noah.

- Start Today Tomorrow Youth Group
Another 08 downer song... Fuck, that was a bad year haha.

- No, It Isn't (+44)
Moping in my Irvine dorm after Noah dumping me, my potential roomies bailing on me & getting in a car accident... Winter Quarter 06 was NOT a good quarter socially... but taking 20 units was a good distraction haha. And I got at least a B in all the classes so there lol.

Definitely only a third of the actual play list, but it's late and they don't all have something interesting to them [as some of these have probably proven]. Like I said, "for me"... plus some of the stories I don't feel need to be shared with the entire world. Well, that's my idea of a blog update... so enjoy...

2009-04-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

Hi Blog!

I've missed you, really I have. I've just been bored and too caught up in self-loathing to write anything. So, it's not you, it's me.

Okay, anyway, like I said, I'm bored. I'm sitting, well really laying, here and though I should be sleeping I'm on the internet. The kids have Championships in the morning. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty nervous. Last year, it was almost a guarantee that they were going to medal and they ended up taking home gold. This year, totally different story. They are neck-in-neck with everyone else in their division. If I had a magic 8 ball right now and I asked if they were going to medal tomorrow, I'm guessing I would either get "try again later," or "out look doesn't look good." They have been done for a while. I'll admit I was over winter guard a few weeks ago, probably been over it since their first show, I'm not a fan of indoor, but I've put a lot of myself into this show and have still dedicated myself. We've done everything we can do. Every count has been clarified multiple times, we've gone over every minute detail that could possibly been addressed... I don't know what there is left to do. It's in their hands. They have told us time and time again that they want another gold, and Jen has told them of her nightmares of them getting called fourth. So, I just talked in a huge circle. I spent $60 on roses for the kids today. Yay for credit cards... not really, but whatever. Jen and I have always gotten them roses and balloons; I'm usually rose bitch. So that's what's going on guard land. When out and tossed my PC issue equipment around... my knee is purple... knee catch apparently does not work.

But that story assists, in a very roundabout way, this one. Today, I had the joyful experience of getting 5-6, I'm pretty sure 5 but don't quote me, cortisone shots into my shoulder blade. Fantastic, I know. I had SWORN I wouldn't go through with the shots if they said I needed them, because my dad gave me this big long lecture on how he heard they shortened your life and are bad for you and blah blah blah. Well, my doctor says my dad if full of shit, no news there. Basically, I have what are called trigger points. Kind of like pressure points, but not. Anyway, in June 2007, while rehearsing for Sneak Preview, I had a back spasm which lead to me sitting out of half a rehearsal and being put on a shit load of ibuprofen. [Side note: I'm listening to PC 07 right now and since I'm mentioning it in the blog at the same time it's making me REALLY nostalgic and excited for camp next weekend] The pain kind of went away, but I just kind of dealt with it the rest of the summer. Eventually my upper back hurt more and more and I went to the doctors in early 08... same story. So I, again, dealt with it. Finally I went to the doctors again after coming home from tour. You know, when they told me PC prematurely sent me home? Yeah, that time. [I'm not still upset about that, oh no...] THIS time it was not the same story. I was told I had a trigger point and that I would have to get steroid shots if it didn't improve. I was, again, given a shit load of ibuprofen and told to massage and use a heating pad everynight. I couldn't make that happen every night but I did my best. I was also told to avoid cold temperatures, and being out at field shows did not help with that any. BUT still, no improvement. SO, almost 2 years after injuring myself, and not really being able to use my right arm without horrible pain for the last few weeks, I went back to the doctors. After 2 seconds my doc could tell it was jacked up and we discussed what I would do. We decided on cortisone shots into the trigger points along my right shoulder blade, as a short term fix and to break the cycle of pain, then I have to make an appointment with a physical therapist, which the way my doc described it, will basically be a very deep tissue massage and they'll show me how to prevent spasms and such. Coolio but not. I had to get shots! In my shoulder blade! I HATE SHOTS! They gave me liquid nitrogen spray first, which burns like a bitch btw, then they did the shots. I felt FANTASTIC for a good hour, but now I'm hurting again, not like before, more like when you get the flu shot and feel a little bruised. Except its all along my shoulder blade. Son of a bitch.

I still have no job. There was a potential job for which I had scheduled an interview for this morning... but then I found out it was that knife company Milk Chocolate works for and I decided I wasn't ready to completely sell my soul... I also did not have the $135 needed as a deposit. Who does that?! Nothing from the district in weeks. It's really pretty lame. I have kind of given up on them. My mom and I talked about me going onto unemployment but I don't know what that would work.

Love-wise things have been pretty blah... would probably help if I got out of the house more often and stuff, but other than getting hit on by a few guys at bars with Sarah and Vanessa and a strange increase in the number of high school boys hitting on me while I coach, nothing looks promising. Noah has been way too busy for me lately. At first I was really panic-y about it. I was really depressed that I wasn't talking to him every single night and if I did it was literally so he could tell me good night. Or I'd get some random text saying he missed me or loves me. But still, I think I've had one or 2, tops, 6+ mins conversations with him in 3 weeks. I know he's in school and super busy... and that I'm not his girlfriend, I still care about him and that doesn't just turn off, though I really wish it would sometimes. I've gotten a lot more... if I say 'okay' I sound like I'm being facetious... I guess you could say more accepting? I don't know how to word it. Indifferent? I don't know. The way I look at it, he's making an effort and I'm not his girlfriend, gotta give him some credit. I've just stopped hoping he'll call and when he does it's almost a surprise. Tonight he has a gig with Rockasaurus Rex in Memphis at some party. He was telling me how ridiculously busy he was going to be today. It's been really hard for me to understand that he's really busy and that I need to not worry about it since I'm not "involved" with him, but at the same time, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I shouldn't believe him and that he's making things up and doing things, aka other girls, without telling me. We had told each other we'd be 100% honest if anything were to come up or happen, and he's proven that with telling me about Melissa, aka Alabama Girl, moving to Memphis next year... but I've been burned before and I've been so cautious of letting other people into my trust... but whatever. I'm over thinking, as usual. It's what I'm good at. I found out that OFFICIALLY I'm an alumni of UCI today and even though my degree is in History, it should be over thinking... aka philosophy... also see, B.S.

So that's my bloated attempt at an update. I'm still attempting Gone With The Wind. Hell of a book... in that I'm not even 100 pages in and captivated and put off by its shear size. I will finish before leaving on tour, oh yes, I will.

Now it is time for beddy bye. I'm thinking of working on my applications this coming week... since that was my goal for this week and it didn't happen in the least. If I decided to procrastinate, I'm going to make sure that it's doing something other than playing the Sims. Now I'm just procrastinating on sleep so I need to get off the typity box...

Good night, Moon!

I leave you with this. It's probably one of the more adorable versions of this song, ever.

[Frankly,] My dear, I don't give a damn!

2009-04-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

Yeah I haven't written in awhile. I have lots, I guess, I write about but right now we're going to take another look into my book-of-the-moment. This time it's Gone With The Wind. I'm not far along at all but here are some interesting facts.

- FACT: The "frankly" was added for the movie. He's much sweeter about shunning Scarlett in the book.
- FACT: It is really hard to read the slave's dialogue. Phonetic spelling is a bitch.
- FACT: Scarlett was only 16! WTF? I don't remember that from the movie.
- Favorite passage thus far:

When the twins left Scarlett standing on the porch of Tara and the last sound of flying hooves had died awa, she went back to her chair like a sleepwalker. Her face went stiff as from pain and her mouth actually hurt from having stretched it, unwillingly, in simles to prevent the twins from learning her secret. She sat down wearily, tucking one foot under her, and her heart swelled up with misery, until it felt too large for her bosom. It beat with odd little jerks; her hands were cold, and a feeling of disaster oppressed her.

Good quote.

2009-03-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

From this point on, I'm writing in French. Granted, it definitely won't be good French. I found a translator on my MacBook dashboard, so I'm putting it to use. :]

Je le manque vraiment. Je ne lui ai pas parlé beaucoup aujourd'hui. Quelque chose est erronée avec lui mais je ne sais pas ce qu'et lui ne m'a pas parlé. Je souhaite que j'aie su ce qui était erroné. Je sais qu'il est malade. Il m'effraye. Je sais que je ne devrais pas m'inquiéter. Il y a eu d'abondance des périodes où nous n'avons pas parlé, mais je me suis inquiété de lui pour quelque raison.

2009-03-25T15:25:00.001-07:00

I hate when I make bad decisions. I really do. They make me feel like I'm spiraling down in a plane crash or something. That's pretty melodramatic, I know. But if it wasn't melodramatic, it just wouldn't be my style.

This isn't necessarily that bad, though it sure seems like it to me. I would almost prefer the plane crash. I really don't want to go into detail on the world-wide web, but it's pretty bad. I've been in this position before but the only people who know that already know about this... if that makes any sense. It wouldn't be bothering me this much if I remembered stuff better and people didn't keep making me freak out. I'm EASILY prone to panic attacks and this is definitely something that'll give anyone a panic attack. I just wish I could calm myself down. I know what I have to do but it's like, I don't know what's worse, how things are now or how they will be after. I guess it all depends on what happens. I just hate waiting, I guess. I hate mind games. I hate myself right now. I really do. I want to curl up in a little ball and cry (told ya, melodramatic is my style). But alas, only time will tell if I'm over reacting or not. I think I am, and other people are telling me that I am, but still. You would think that I would learn my lesson and not make the same mistake twice... But if you really think about it I don't think I made any mistake and I did everything that I was supposed to... but maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. I'm still freaking out. The only people I want to talk to right now I can't so this is the only way for me to just get it out and not explode with frustration. I think I'm going to take care of things tomorrow. Sooner is better than later, right? I just want my mind to be at ease. I hate anxiety like this.

2009-03-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt like this in a while. It blows.

By this, I am referring to panic attacks.

I'm seriously having one. I'm so stressed out. It's part hormones, part school, part anxiety of the "post-graduation" world, part missing Noah like crazy. I'm tired but I haven't been able to sleep the whole night in a few nights. I want to sleep but I have nightmares when I do. I don't want to do to my final tomorrow. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be alright and that I'm being ridiculous. I miss Noah like crazy and I just want to see him. I feel like I'm in a long distance relationship without the actual relationship. Last week, while I was with him, I was happy. It was so bittersweet because I knew it wouldn't last, but I couldn't have been happier. I feel like he's been acting distant (in the communication dept. since he's already distant in the physical sense) but he is in school and has a life in Memphis. Things between us are basically back to the same except now we both admit to loving each other. That sounds incredibly mushy, doesn't it? Ick, I hate mushy. Well, most of the time I hate it, anyway.

I am so at a loss. I'm supposed to be anxious, yes. But feeling like crap? Feeling like I'm on my wits end... This is my last DAYS of college. The whole world is right in front of me and all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and cry. I loved feeling wanted last week and I want that more.

I'm being way too melodramatic. One of my unspoken New Years' resolutions was to be "less drama," and right now I'm not doing a great job. I already said EXACTLY what's bothering me. Why am I being so "woe is me" about it? There's nothing I can really do except keep on keepin' on. I'm stressed out. Nothing more.

I think that I should take some Nyquil and try to hit the sack. I already text Noah something incredibly melodramatic, so I've definitely gone over my pathetic quota for the night.

Peace.

2009-03-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness...

OKAY! So I'm a little obsessed with the show Big Love, as I've said before. Well I just saw the second to last episode of the season.. HOLY CRAP!!! Serious, WTH?!?!

Ridiculous...

Anyway. I've been meaning to do a blog but life has been pretty busy lately. I technically don't even have time right now but I'm being lazy today already so I figure I'm not doing anything more lazy than already...

Let's see... I took the CSET yesterday. I feel pretty good about it actually. I really don't know though. There were quite a few things on both tests that I was completely stumped by, but I feel really good about my essay/short answers. One was on Latin American history. I was SO excited [that's what my history class this quarter is on]. Speaking of school, I am done this week :]. I am speechless. It still seems really weird that after this week I'm honestly, truly done. What will I do with myself?! I'm already starting to at least think about my credential applications haha. I need to talk to a few profs about letters of rec. I haven't seen the ones who would actually write me one for so long that I'm scared I won't find anyone. I'll figure something out.

In other news, I had an amazing week with Noah. I know how that must sound. Don't judge. I haven't let myself be unguarded around him in a very long time, probably since sometime in 2006. Even this week I started things off the same way. Monday we went to see Jay Leno. I went to Cal Hi in the morning, as usual in my PJs [because I'm a lazy coach haha], and he's there. So already I'm thinking "Great, just how I wanted to start this day off." Gave him the semi-awkward side hug because I was so in shock that he was there and I swear all my kids were giving me crazy looks, like "who is this dude?"

So after I went home and made myself presentable, I drove over to his house a little early. I'm not going to lie, I really wanted to see him. I got there and we started watching stupid stuff on YouTube while we waited for it to be time to go to Burbank. He kept trying to put his hand on my knee and I would move away. Eventually we left and he tried to hold my hand as I drove and I totally pulled away saying "I need two hands to drive" haha. And he called my out on it, saying how it was the dumbest excuse ever. Which is totally true. We got to Burbank in almost no time and drove around looking for food. Eventually we went to got hotdogs and went to the studio. His aunt gave us a mini tour and we got to see where they film Telemundo's news [that's the station she works for, NBC owns them]. Had to kill about an hour in the dining hall before going into our seats for the show. we were kind of in the back but it was still great. This is getting a little ahead of myself, but Demetri Martin was ADORABLE in person. Okay, back to what I was saying. While we were waiting for the show to start, this dude [Noah] says "hey Sammy" I turn and he kisses me.

Later we went to get Thai and cocktails... well, I got a cocktail, he's still underaged for about 9 months haha. After that we went to rent a movie, got Pineapple Express [didn't live up to the hype for me btw] and we spent the night talking and such. The next day, he drove out to Irvine between my classes and we went to Laguna Beach. Then I drove him to the airport. That's the short version. Anyway, I'm growing bored of myself. All in all, I've missed him and he wasn't home nearly long enough. I really do care about him and the sad part is, this is the first time in years that we've both cared about each other at the same time and we really can't be together. Long distance blows. Majorly. Okay, Sammy OUT!

2009-03-02T22:37:00.000-08:00

Big Love...

WHOA! I think that this could quite possibly be my new favorite show. It's starting to edge out Scrubs a little bit... not a lot though. I just finished season 1, and I'm watching the first episode of season 2 as I type this. Seriously, SO AWESOME! Here are a few observations that I have come up with since watching this show:

- I could NEVER practice polygamy. I mean, besides the fact that it's against the law and kind of gross... I have a hard time sharing. Seriously, I cannot do the things these women do. First few episodes show him having sex with his wives... seriously? How can you share something that... that, personal, that sacred, with other people? Not right, nope, not right...

- These deluded Mormon women get more action sharing one guy than I've had in way too long haha.

- I'm happy with my religion. As well as my state. I know the two aren't linked, but in this show, those lines are pretty blurred.

- These girls are more selfless than I think I could ever be.

So those are a few observations I've made. It was funny, earlier, I tried explaining how everyone was related and connected to my sister.... I'm still shocked I could do so. It's hilarious.

In other news, I'll be publishing (well, writing a blog) a review about Next soon. I am about a hundred pages away from the end. OMG! There's MonkeyBoys and parrots that can do math and people owning the genes of other people... INSANE! It's almost as good as Big Love, but since it's a book, I have to do a little more work. I didn't finish today because it gives me something to do in between classes tomorrow.

And in even more other news, I am, yet again, falling for Noah. I hate that I'm becoming the bad guy. I'm becoming something I hate. I'm toying with his emotions. I don't know if he realizes it, but I do. I hate myself for it. One second, I can't stand him. I hate him even. But then I miss him like crazy. I start talking to him again. I do all these things that scream "I love you." He had actually stopped telling me he loved me for awhile, I was happy about that. But today, this morning, I woke up to a text message saying "Love you Sweetie <3">

But the same time, I'm scared shitless. I miss him but I'm scared. I'm scared to open up feelings to anyone. I'm so damn tired of being rejected. 5 Boyfriends... that's how many boys I have been with since Noah. Noah is the only one I think that I "loved" in the purest sense of the word. I loved them all, for their own ways. But he was my first "love," the first person I felt that way for. I don't know. I'm just... ugh... I would love to "rekindle" things with him. I really would. But he lives so far away, we want such different things. I feel like I'm going around in circles. It doesn't make sense to have any sort of relationship with him, especially if I want it to last. He was talking about how he can't wait to kiss me. I have to admit, I melted a little. I want to kiss him too. But again, rejection... it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And I hate to give Zach too much credit, but he kind of put the last nail in the coffin. He didn't give our relationship a chance, and I'm fine with that now, but I'm tired of being the rebound girl or the girl people don't want to try and fight to be with. I was watching the Bachelor earlier... he totally chose one girl... THEN went back on it and broke up with her on TV to get with the one he originally broke up with... also on TV. SO Retarded! I hate boys... not really, but still. I'm so confused. It's times like this that I really wish people read my blog. I need feed back on these things.

UGH! Right now is another example of how he acts. I sent him a message explaining that my parents were making fun of my single-ness and saying they were going to put me in an arranged marriage and that it made me feel like I have no life. He just sent me a message saying "Love you and your no life." Adorable, right? How am I supposed to fight this?! What is the right thing to do. I need help on this...

Frustrated writer...

2009-02-24T15:28:00.000-08:00

As I've talked about before, I would love to write a book. I love to read. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a "late bloomer" with the reading love. It wasn't until I was stuck with tons of free time on my hands, finding the internet extremely boring that I picked up a book and said, "why not?" Now I can't stop. It's the last week in February and I'm on my 5th? novel of the year. And this is while busy with school and teaching guard.

The current book of choice is Next by Michael Crichton. This is the last book he published before his death (though I'm really anxious to see if the last novel he was working on is published later this year, as rumored). I'm about 45 pages in, and so far it doesn't disappoint. Without a doubt he is becoming my favorite author. Next is a lot like Jurassic Park so far. It's all about genetic experimentation. But I'm only just beginning, so who knows where it will end up. I made it one of my New Year's Resolutions, which is just what I'm calling the list of arbitrary goals I have made recently, is to read every Michael Crichton novel. There are tons of novels for me to get to, this is only my third. Of course, I'm going to try to finish with his most well known novel, other than Jurassic Park and The Lost World, The Andromeda Strain. I'm weird. I have heard nothing but good things about that novel... I'm weird...

And that was actually a digression because I began this blog talking about writing and I ended up talking about what I was reading... similar, but not the same.

So about writing... yeah, that's all I have. I want to write so much right now, but I am so brain dead because of school and life that I can't think! I actually started, barely, doing research for a story I'm thinking about. I've mentioned this story before. It's my version of Cinderella, which I playfully named Cinderfella. Right now, it's going to take place during the Civil War. You would think, I'm a US History major, I should know a lot about the American Civil War, right? Wrong-o. It's really sad that I haven't taken an US History class since this time last year, let alone a class about the Civil War (for the record, I only took one class, 19th Century American History, that dealt with the Civil War, and that was Winter Quarter my first year!). So today I started reading an article on the life of soldiers. I don't know if I want him to be from the Union or Confederacy yet, so that will define a few things for me when the time comes to write or not write this thing. I want to work on something so much but I have no clue what to write about. I just want to write. That's part of why I'm writing this blog, and any blog/bulletin I write for that matter. I need to get words out of my head. I mean, I could have easily spent the last few hours contently reading Next, but I just could not fit anymore in my brain (willingly). This is the part of writing I suck at, which I shouldn't since I'm a history major; research! Everything about writing I've read talks about doing the research for your story before you write it and how important it is, but I don't have enough patients. I know things I want to write already, but I need to know my context first, use the right language, and things.

Sigh... oh well, I need to get to class

Bon Chance.

Vital Information for Your Everyday Life

2009-02-16T21:10:00.000-08:00

I'm a list-aholic [using the suffix -aholic as a joke because it annoys me to death how everyone uses that so much/incorrectly.] and those stupid lists on Facebook have been pretty exciting for me. So here is my list of random thoughts for the night.

1. Note to self: working out for an hour, while sick, is probably not the best idea...

2. Like 99.9% of girls my age, I hate how I look. All through high school I was so embarrassed about my acne, and though it's not completely cleared up, it's gotten so much better. Now that that problem is fixed, I feel like I'm getting fat. Shoot me if you want, but I went from being between 112-118 all throughout college, to being 135 going into graduation... it really upsets me [especially considering I was 108 when I graduated high school.] Why can't I have things on my side and have both?

3. In the same thought as 1 and 2, my resolution is to stop being lazy and actually work out... I probably should eat more non-junk food too, but one step at a time haha.

4. When I know or think that someone is interested in me, I put a great deal of distance between myself and them. I'm a complete commitaphobe.

5. I really, really, really, really need to see a dentist. It hurts to chew on my right side and I haven't been in probably 3 years. I asked my mom to set me up an appointment in September, she forgot to write it down. The next week my sister asked her, even though she's gone pretty consistently and doesn't have anything too urgent to get done, and my mom called right then and got her in. She had 3 cavities and it cost my mom about $800. Oh, and she's supposed to get her wisdom teeth out too, apparently. Now my parents, and myself, can't afford to send me to the dentist. Like I said, it hurts to chew and I haven't been in years... my mom still feels like crap for forgetting to write it down when I asked her.

6. All my dog does is sleep... What the hell does she do all day that she's always tired?

7. When I move into my own home one day, I want a fireplace. We have one and use it almost daily. My mom usually burns my dad's old business records from the 1990s. She says it makes her feel like Enron. Having a fire always makes me feel at home :].

8. I have ridiculously low self-esteem. I know that's not uncommon or special, but still. I'm told I'm too hard on myself.

9. I like shows like "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" but hate shows like "The Bachelor." Kids are adorable. Guys trying to find the "love of their life" in a few months, while essentially cheating on 16 girls at once... either diabolical or retarded... depends on how you look at it.

10. I know I'm ridiculous and that it's not that cold, but I've been wearing thermal leggings and knee high socks under my jeans for the last 2 weeks. I get cold very easily. I would probably die living back east in the winter.

11. I think it's really funny that on my first paper of the quarter I got 78% and on my first test/midterm I got 87%. Neither grade is "good enough," but oh well... oh, senioritis.

12. I know I shouldn't but I compare my life to friends/family/co-worker's lives. I feel like a real loser some times. Like the girl I work with at Cal, Jen. She's engaged, owns her home, aged out in BD 07 [not that I'm jealous of her being in BD, just the fact she has a ring/marched Saturday night], works full-time on top of working with Cal, is a dance major [which I am jealous of because I would love to dance well and take classes in school], she's actually a double major... yeah, I think I made my point. I feel like by comparison, I haven't done much with my life. I haven't been able to really hold a job for very long [though that's my own fault, I've always quit every job because of school...], I'm lazy, I've had more boyfriends than I care to admit [but at least I can laugh about it haha]... oh well.

13. For 20 years I have shared a room with my sister. We've fought, but usually we get along great. Once we got into college, we started fighting more than ever before. I have to fight with her to use my room... it's retarded...

2009-02-09T22:03:00.000-08:00

A new week, a new blog.

Well, in all honestly, there really isn't much to report. I hung out with Jennee Saturday night, it was lots of fun and we decided to do the same thing this coming Saturday (i.e. Valentine's Day). Then I hung out with Tami Sunday night. It was great spending time with friends and getting away from the house. I have felt so closed up and alone lately. I kind of make myself a loner most of the time but, I guess right now especially, for some reason, it's really hitting me. I have been really good about keeping my spirits up. I mean, I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic or something. I've been without a boyfriend for just about 6 months. I mean, it's not a long time but it is at the same time. I have basically had a boyfriend ever since high school. There are some patches of "sobriety" that lasted a few months here and there, but I think this is the longest I have been single in a very long time.

There are so many good and bad things about single life. I have become a much more independent, self-reliant person, which I love. I haven't had stupid drama to deal with. There have been a few instances of "drama" at the high school, but it's NOTHING like that kind of drama I got myself in with my past relationships. I still think about the whole Anessa business from when I dated Chris, that was just immature and stupid, I'm glad that kind of stuff especially isn't part of my life anymore. I like being able to do whatever I want and not worry about calling someone or having to worry about another person's "feelings" and other mushy things. That's all fine and dandy. Plus, with graduating in 5 weeks (yes, I'm really counting down, it's a big deal, so sue me haha) I don't need the distraction of a boy (since God knows I have enough else to distract me :P).

But I'm not about to lie and say that I'm ecstatic about being single, especially with it being Valentine's week. I miss having someone to cuddle with, to call and talk to. Someone who thinks I'm pretty and smart and wants to give me their undivided attention, who I feel the same about. I miss those mushy things. I am third-wheel to my sister and her boyfriend 90% of the time I'm home. It gets old. They've been together going on 3 years. That's huge. I've dated 6 guys in the time they've been together. I feel like the slut of the family. I really, honest-to-God hate it. I have become pretty cynical and bitchy around them, and I feel bad about it, but at the same time I share a room with her, she knows I don't have the best luck with guys and she will snuggle up under the covers with Jeremy while I'm in the room. Not cool. Way to make me feel great, Sis. Then there's the fact that almost all my friends are in some sort of relationship. I know that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it sure seems like it when you're single; that's when you really start to notice all the relationships out there. I go to Cal and Jen just got engaged, and while I'm happy for her, it does sting a little that I either see the rock on her finger every rehearsal or she brings up her "fiance." Hell, my guard kids have better love lives than me right now.

My love life isn't completely non-existent. I mean, I do have Noah. But that's really not the same. I don't care for him the same way he cares about me, and he's in Memphis, not really cuddling distance. I'm actually really glad he's not here because I would probably fall into an even more blown out version of a mock relationship with him than I'm already in now. Then I have one of my sister's exes asking me out, and nightly texts from an 08 PC age-out who has said they would like to take me out, but never really manned up to asking (and I'm pretty sure I would not going with). I mean, I do have boys at school who hit on me, but that's nothing special. There's the guy in my Latin history discussion who always sits a little too close to me and asks me random questions, the guy in my ED class who does the same thing... but see, I don't know if I'm just being full of myself thinking that's flirting or they're just trying to be nice and whatnot.

Love is hard.

I am sticking to my guns about my no PC tour boyfriends. I mean really, I'm old in drum corps terms; dating any one in the corps who isn't an age-out feels like pedophilia. The only age-out boys I can think of off the top of my head are gay, so yeah, doesn't work. I don't know, I just really miss feeling needed, feeling cared for... dare I actually say it, feeling loved. Admittedly, writing this actually helped, but seriously, I have felt like shit all day. I'm starting to see "signs" of depression in myself and I'm just hoping it's because of the impending romantic holiday and not because of anything else. I haven't eaten much... other than junk... I didn't even get out of my pajamas today... yeah, never a good thing. I learned that productivity stems from wearing pants... I mean, I am wearing pants, but it's just a metaphor... whatever, it makes sense in my head (the idea came from How I Met Your Mother, oh that Marshall...).

Wow, that was way too much self-pity for one blog. I should've cut it up into smaller "blogettes" to keep it more tolerable. Anyway, for anyone who actually read this thing, merci. I have a fun-filled day of midterm studying and other miscellaneous school things in the morning, so I need to attempt sleep... which I won't for a little while thanks to my sister and her "snuggle buddy" being in our room... as weird as it sounds, even though I know I have every right in the world to kick them out so I can go to sleep, I feel like the rude one. I need to move out...

Bon Soir.

2009-02-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

Hello Blog. Long time, no write. How've you been? That's good. I've been busy... no, really, I have.

Haha, ok that was pretty lame, even for me. I haven't written in a while, my apologies. I've been with my other lover... reading. Yep, in the last 2ish weeks I've read 2.5 books. Invisible Monsters I've talked about in previous blogs. Fantastic. I also read another Chuck Palahniuk novel, Choke, also pretty fantastic. It's about a sexaholic who chokes on purpose to make the people who save him feel like heros in the hopes that they will send him money, feeling responsible for him, so that he may continue paying for his mothers health care... oh, and a crazy person at the same hospital, who he thinks is a doctor, tries to convince him he's Jesus. Yep, fantastic.

And, admittedly because of the hype, I started reading He's Just Not That Into You. So far, it makes soooo much sense! I feel... empowered haha. I'm only halfway through but I'm already seeing mistakes I've made before haha. It's really eye opening. Which leads me to a social conversation I want to start...

What if I'm just not that into him?

Seriously, what if I can't tell? Yeah, if you haven't guessed, I'm talking about Noah. I really don't know. We had a conversation about it the other night. He was asking me how I thought things should be when he's home for spring break next month. I'm actually really proud of myself because I didn't pussyfoot around the truth, I flat out told him; I don't want a boyfriend for a week. Reading this book is making me more ballsy. I like it. I have definitely been liking the male attention I seem to be getting from him. I call him my pseudo-boyfriend, which is nice and all, but I don't want this to be all there is. I want an honest to God boyfriend. I'm done wasting my time. Do I want to see him when he's home? You bet I do. I do still have feelings for him. I always have, ever since we broke up. He was my first "love," so I'm 99% sure I will always have some sort of feelings for him. But do I want to be his girlfriend again? Only for a week?

At the end of every chapter in HJNTIY there's something along the lines of "you deserve better." I really think that I deserve more than a boy 1700 miles away who couldn't figure out that he loved me until almost 3 years later (I said 4 years previously but I redid my math...). Noah is the best when we're not together, but when we were... I just don't know. We've both changed so much. Those stupid "25 Random Facts" notes spreading like herpes around Facebook? Yeah, I read his, soo many of the things he said conflict with what I want in a guy. One of the things he said was he didn't feel he had to get married or whatever, well that's definitely something on my to-do list (now that I think about it, that might've been in a MySpace bulletin he did, same difference). He's also an Atheist now, which doesn't really work for me (Side note: there was some minor family drama. My parents are joining the church they've been going to for the last year and they wanted my siblings and myself to joined and be baptized, which we never were. I love God and I try to be a good Christian, but they raised us saying that we didn't need to go to church to be good people, and I always feel weird at church, I don't know why and I feel like a bad person because of it. So my siblings are joining and whatnot, but I am not. I feel like the black sheep now. I said it was because I really won't be able to go that much soon because of drum corps, but it's mostly the church making me feel weird thing.).

I brought up the whole Los Angeles - Memphis distance issue with him, too. He's not a fan of long distance either, but he still wants to "rekindle things." Seriously? I honestly can't tell if he's really still in love with me, or if he's just trying to pull off the most long, drawn out plan to get in my pants when he's home. I told Noah that if he wants to hang out, or go on "a date," he has to actually call and ask me. He was thinking that whenever he wasn't hanging out with someone else while he was home that he'd be with me. Seriously? I know I don't have much of a social life, but I do have some. Plus that's the week leading into the CSET, which I am determined to pass with flying colors. Hell, I even bought a study book, that's a pretty big deal for me; I'm actually putting in effort this time. He tells me all the time that he loves me and misses me; if that's true he can put in the effort. I want to be chased after damn it.

But I got a little away from my question, what if I'm just not that into him? When I read this book, listing all the excuses guys use on girls that subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, tell that they "just aren't that into them," I see almost everything I do to Noah. Do the same rules apply? I feel like it's a math property. "A + B = C but B + C does not = A" I don't know if it goes both ways. I guess that I really can't tell until I actually spend time with him. I know I'm going to get sucked in, at least a little. That has happened literally every time I've spent time with him since we broke up. But I think that I'm older, more mature and wiser to the world of men.

That's about it for tonight... I just sliced my finger so I'm off to take care of that.

2009-01-28T11:24:00.001-08:00

You wouldn't be able to tell from the way I complained about writing that damn Columbus paper, but I really do enjoy writing. I always have, since I was in 3rd grade writing poems about Halloween for fun at home. But mostly since my senior AP Lit class/college have I really become passionate about it. I have been reading a lot more, which I strongly believe makes you a better writer, and that has my interest sparked in attempting to write a book.

Now, you might say,"but Sam, you're only 21 and you aren't an English major or have any writing experience." To which I laugh. What does age have to do with anything, for one? I mean, you may as well say, "you can't write, you're a girl," or "you can't write because you live in California." Whatever. That goes for writing experience and my major. I may not have the same skills as an experienced writer or someone who has been studying English literature and writing techniques for the last 4 years, but I do have stuff to offer to the table. Being a History major, I write just about as often as an English major, it's just mostly academic papers (like that hideous Columbus thing I just wrote). I also have the benefit of knowing "stuff." That's not to say English majors don't know "stuff," but I have more knowledge of "stuff." One of my favorite moments from college was my first day in my 19th Century American History class. We learned the history of the weekend. You could probably go look that up on Wikipedia and write about it in some way, but I can use that knowledge I learned and talk about different points in time along the "path to the weekend." I know about why and what was going on when work days became shorter, when days were taken off... basically, I have more background knowledge, more "stuff," at my disposal. Like I said, you could be an English major and already know about how weekends were created. Good for you. I mean, to assume that an English major doesn't know "stuff" would be like the accusation I can't write because I'm not an English major. It's all relative.

Anyway, I've been looking up ways to make myself a better writer (since I lack all that experience and whatnot). I regularly read the blog of one of my favorite authors, Scott Westerfeld. Turns out that his wife, Justine Larbalestier, is also a writer. How cute. Anyway, this month she is writing about writing in her blog, giving tips and helping other wouldbe writers out there. So I've been reading these blogs and came upon this one. It talks about generating ideas, something that I can do but I'm not very good at. She says to start out, try deconstructing a story you already know, look at the pieces and decide what you would do differently.

So I did an experiment.

I started with Cinderella (something easy) and ended up with a mightbe story of war-torn romance. WTH? Exactly. It's actually been so fun and I'm only taking a break to write this blog because I need to leave here soon and didn't want to get too wrapped up in working out details. Now, if you're still asking, "WTH?" here's my thought process.

Cinderella: Story about someone who is kept from happiness by someone else (Evil Stepmother). It is only through the help of another someone else (Fairy Godmother) that they are given the opportunity to enjoy happiness (Prince Charming) briefly before returning to reality. Happiness eventually finds Cinderella without her trying. "And they lived happily ever after."

My Version: Why can't Cinderella be Cinderfella? Guy's can have fantastic stories about happiness too. And does these Evil Stepmother and Fairy Godmother have to be actual people? I vote no. Why not make them objects or situations? I mean, war is evil and it can keep people from happiness, just like the Evil Stepmother. But with war is it ever "happily ever after?"

I'm not going to give away anymore. I actually like this idea, A LOT. I don't want it to be taken away or anything (since it's not like I'm not "borrowing" the idea from anyone already haha). Plus, I still have A LOT more work to do to it. I have 5 possible settings (using that great "stuff" I know as a History major) and I need to work at the kinks to the initial plot, and then do all those "fun" details, like name characters and whatnot. So still a lot more to be done, but at least I generated an idea :D.

Oh, and I finished Invisible Monsters. WOW! I loved it. I mean, I already read the plot summary on Wikipedia (yes, I'm horribly impatient. So sue me.), but it was still so much better than I expected. Thanks Melania for telling me to read it!

Off to pick up my bro from school and choreograph some stuff.

Bon Chance!

2009-01-26T11:30:00.000-08:00

I've made even more progress, but still have not finished that paper. Anyway I'm watching P.S. I Love You, which is an uber cheesy, sad love story if you've never seen it, and I made a realization (that really isn't anything new to me)...

I want to be in love.

I'm not, nor have I been for a very long time. I love being in love. That's why summer after summer I go into these romantic entanglements with boys who really aren't good for me, crying when they "break my heart," only to realize when I have no more tears to shed that they hardly even scratched it. I want the kind of love that knocks you off your feet, without air. I "feel" that way when I'm with a boy, but not exactly. Not to the point where I need to be with that him no matter what, not to the point so overly dramatized in movies (like the one I'm now watching, The Fountain). I have never truly felt that kind of love. I want that. I want it so bad.

I'm not an overly religious person. I pray everyday, but I really don't go to church like I should. Despite this, I know that God has a plan. Everything happens for a reason. There's a reason for all the good and bad that has happened in my life, and I am thankful they have shaped me into the person I've become. I know that one day I will find that love. I just hope that I know it when it comes. I have such an aversion to "love" since my heart has been "broken" so many times. I have tested the waters, looking for love and each time I find a guppy and not the prize catch I'm looking for. (Yeah, that was a really bad line... sorry haha.)

Maybe I should just NOT watch "love" movies anymore. Maybe then I will not have such ridiculous standards for a boy that doesn't exist somewhere out there for me. At the same time I shouldn't lower my standards, that's exactly what I've been doing. That's how I ended up with a boy who cheated on me, one who left me when I needed support, or was simply someone's rebound. I know now, thanks to months of being learning about myself, that I really am worth more than that. I have been told by all of them, every single one, that I am a good person and great girl, and that has always left me wondering why I "wasn't good enough" for them, why they couldn't stay with me. I realize that it wasn't me, or wasn't completely me, and there has to be a reason, a person out there for me, that lead those things to end. I am definitely not a patient person, and this is a situation which calls for a great deal of patience. I need to just be patient and one day I will find that one boy who meets my ridiculous standards, who truly wants to be with me and I with him.

Though, I still say I just should NOT watch love movies...

2009-01-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get in the habit of blogging more often, but I really don't know why, no one reads them :P. Anywho, since I called my blog "Learning..." I thought that I should write something about what I'm learning, which means I'm going to write a little about this stupid Columbus paper that I'm still not done with. I actually did make progress. I reached the minimum word count, but I've only covered 1 of my 3 comparisons. Joy. I figure writing the paper from a more explanatory, not-actually-writing-my-stupid-paper way, will help clear my head and thoughts a little.

So, yeah. Columbus. We watched this Ridley Scott movie in my class called 1492: Conquest of Paradise and we are supposed to compare that with the 6 pages of his actual diary we read. Yeah, you try to make that work. Anyway, I've been comparing the first sighting of land, first meeting with the natives and... well, I'll think of a third thing to compare once I've written the other stuff. It needs to be between 500 and 1,000 words and I think I have 470 something. Basically, in the text, the first sighting was made by some guy named Rodrigo de Triana, who was on the lead ship that wasn't even the flagship. Columbus didn't see land first. In the movie he is heroically hanging off the bow of the Santa Maria, watching the island appear out of the fog... give me a break, they really found land at 2 in the morning. And in the first meeting, the movie shows the natives as being so... child-like. They come up and hesitantly touch the Spaniards. It's so much like a little kid who sees a puppy or a toy for the first time. The book, if you can call it that, has them trading things with the Spanish and being curious, but not so overly played up curious. Yeah, I'm still working on that third thing... I'll think of something, I kind of have to. At least I actually started the paper more than just the day before.

So, as I sit here watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards, falling asleep and not completely sure why I'm awake, I need to be up at 6am, ready to choreograph. Oh joy. I'm not feeling as... woah-is-me as I have been in the last few days. Seriously, I think that the wouldbe, mightbe commitment that was looming kind of killed my "happy."I think that I'm a little better now. I admitted that I cannot say with honesty that I love him anymore. I don't. I care for him, but there has been too much time, too many others, too much... basically I've grown away from that love I felt so long ago, when I was much more naive and young. I understand more of what it means to love someone, to be in love and to be loved. Mostly from the lack of those feelings and emotions I have experiences with other. I am just starting to learn who I am and what I want... being single has never been easy for me, I hate being alone, but for the last 5 months I have been getting to know myself better and make choices for myself better than I ever have before. It may sound selfish, but I don't want to have that taken away. Even if it is only taken away to an infinitesimally small degree.

Buenos Noches

Thoughts brought up through procrastination

2009-01-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm not done with that paper, but whatever. I'm still going to write something here.

I've been thinking a lot today, probably too much. Story of my life. Oh well. I'm having the familiar heavy, lurking feeling that usually hits right before a panic attack. I've been purposely trying to stay away from forms of communication and I'm tired. Yay for signs of depression. I refuse to let myself be labeled that way again. It's stupid. I say that I've been staying away from my phone and instant messenger because of my paper, and I have been, but that's not the full story. I really just don't want to talk to people. Some people I could talk to, but they're not the ones most likely to talk to me.

Specifically, I'm staying away from Noah. I know that's pretty stupid, but I am. (Though, he is not the person I have been "avoiding.") It's my usual defensive behavior. It's not that I'm feeling smothered, but I'm feeling smothered. I am honest-to-God afraid of commitment in any form. I care about him and it was fun when we were talking and everything was still unclear, but once we talked about the possibility of "rekindling" things and me going to Memphis... I panicked. I really don't get it. I guess 5 failed relationships in the last 4 years has really ruined me. I mean, Noah and I even talked about how there really isn't a chance of anything working between us; the distance is too great. On top of that we want so many different things, that part I thought about but I haven't talked with him about. Still, just the thought of any sort of commitment, even possible commitment, scares the crap out of me. Heck, the last time I had a crush on someone I had a mini-freak out because even that was too much for me, and I never even told the guy (nor do I plan on it). I don't know, it's just had me kind of down today is all.

My grandparents are here right now. They came over for dinner. I love them and I know they won't be around much longer but it kind of depresses me more since I know they won't be here much longer. Ugh, I feel like Elliot on Scrubs. Let me explain, the first episode of the new season ("My Jerk"... yes, I do know episode names. Sad but true.) Carla and Dr. Cox tell Elliot that she is self-involved. I feel very self-involved at the moment. I think that I'm a pretty self-involved person. I try not to be, but I worry too much about myself and my problems. Even by going through this rant about how self-involved I am, I am being even more self-involved. Cruel, cruel cycle.

I'm currently reading the book Invisible Monsters, I might have mentioned that last time, and it is fantastic. I have gotten into the horrible habit of reading the plot summaries on Wikipedia of books I'm reading before I read them. I know, basically, the entire story before I even finish the book. So, though I'm only about halfway through the novel (if you know the book, I just got to where Brandy Alexander is revealed to be Shane), I know how the story ends. I feel like I'm one of the characters in this book, minus the mutilation, homosexuality, drugs and sex. I feel like I'm lying to myself. Lying so much so that I have no clue who the hell I am anymore. The only things I know are constant are: I want to be a teacher (though the grade level and things of that nature are most definitely not constant), I want to move out, I love to spin/dance. I can't even say that I love drum corps anymore because my relationship with one of the only places I have ever felt completely accepted has been tainted. Coming home last summer still stings. People bring up "oh yeah, on tour we..." and they tell me this big long story that I should remember and about halfway through they say, "oh, sorry. I forgot that you weren't there."

"These things happen."

Summer's words ring oh so true. I'm falling in for my ex, "These things happen."I'm scared to death about it, "These things happen." I love my family but hate living at home, "These things happen." I feel completely trapped and under appreciated at one of my jobs, "These things happen." I hate being alone, "These things happen." I'm terrified of commitment but want a relationship, "These things happen." I feel like life is at a standstill, "These things happen."

C'est la vie.

Anyway, I must admit, I have had a tad to drink tonight (if you call a cranberry juice w/vodka and half a glass of wine drinking) and I'm actually pretty tired. I've started outlining my paper, and though I don't plan on writing anything that will be graded while "under the influence," I really should outline something... or something productive...

Au Revoir

Something new....

2009-01-24T01:53:00.001-08:00

I really do plan on posting something, honest. But it is 2am after all, so I think I will some other time... Like when I finish my stupid Columbus paper tomorrow.

BTW, Invisible Monsters is a fantastic book. I'm still just shocked to realize who people are... Seth is Manus, Brandy Alexander is Shane... Sorry if I just spoiled stuff for people who haven't read it. Not that it matters since no one will read this. :] my personal, public secrets.

Bon Soir